4 Early Signs A Relationship Won’t Last


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in today’s video we’ll show you four early signs that your relationship is secretly heading towards this every day I wake up wake up when you’re dead Okay maybe not that extreme but Dr John gottman has developed a model that can watch you talk to your partner and then predict with 90 accuracy if your relationship will end he does this mostly by looking for four common communication mistakes so today we’ll go over each one and the four antidotes that can save your relationship if you or your partner have these bad habits the first bad habit is extremely common it’s criticism oh you can’t be serious I’m dead serious there’s a difference between criticism and a complaint a healthy complaint points to a specific behavior you don’t like it will look something like this let me call why didn’t you call me criticism is when you go beyond addressing a specific behavior and attack your partner’s character or personality have you been doing this the entire time are you that insecure are you so insecure that you have to pull that crap you’re being so much like your father do not compare me to my father I didn’t compare you to him I said you were acting like him if you or your partner let your complaints turn into criticisms you will slowly kill your relationships unfortunately this is a very common mistake this next movie clip is a good example of how that shift from complaint to criticism can happen let me see if I’m following this okay are you telling me that you’re upset because I don’t have a strong desire to clean dishes no I’m upset because you don’t have a strong desire to offer to do the dishes I just did after I asked you Jesus Brooke you’re acting crazy again don’t you call me crazy so far these examples are all purposely extreme so you can see what it looks like on the far end but not all criticism is this obvious one subtle way that criticism can enter a relationship is by speaking in absolutes key phrases to watch for are never or always when you use those words to describe something your partner does to upset you you are prioritizing making them feel bad over addressing the behavior that’s upsetting you the next few Clips are very dramatic because they’re from movies and TV shows in your own life you want to watch out for sentences like these even if they’re delivered without yelling twice you always made me aware of what I was doing wrong how I was falling short you think that I nag you that’s all you do all you do is nag me criticism is a poison that slowly kills relationships but that doesn’t mean that repressing your complaints is the key to a happy relationship in fact this is almost guaranteed to lead to resentment and eventually a big fight so how can you express that you don’t like something in a way that’s healthy and doesn’t slowly destroy your relationship the facts and feelings method using a calm tone speak to a specific instance they can’t deny like not doing the dishes yesterday and rather than label them something negative explain how that behavior made you feel here’s an example that’s a little too vague on the specifics but Nails it in terms of tone and focusing on her feelings when we argue like the things that you can say really upsets me when you say that kind of stuff one thing you want to watch out for here is the false feelings trap this is where you or your partner say I feel followed by a negative judgment this is not actually expressing an emotion it’s a criticism in Disguise I feel like you is the sneaky phrase most often used I feel like you’ve become like upset or something like for no reason I just like feel like you don’t want to respect this culture the second sign your relationship won’t last is contempt of the four behaviors we’ll cover today this is the single greatest predictor that a breakup is coming if you see this in your partner run and if you see this in yourself kill this habit before it kills your relationship contempt has three common ways it gets expressed disrespect disgust or superiority the most obvious example of contempt is name calling for a quick example watch how this woman reacts to her boyfriend telling her that he’s scared of heights and doesn’t want to do a canyon swing you’re too push for everything they in the farm you were like a princess so here too if you see this type of name calling in your relationship it’s very likely doomed oh yeah sitting here bitching about it am I you are that’s the difference between me and you your baby another example of contempt is if your partner frames you as inferior look out for phrases like that’s the difference between you and me this next clip is a good example although again in your life you’ll likely see this without as much yelling you know the difference between you and I Michael I have a heart I’m a mean I’m fighting a goddamn minute you had no heart man a more subtle version of superiority is if they consistently act like you’re embarrassing them [Music] tastes like chicken what is a dance number look like between the two of you like this your relationship isn’t doomed one of you ever feels embarrassed by something the other one says or does but if someone’s reaction to feeling embarrassed is to scoff roll their eyes or tell you you’re being childish that could be a sign that their embarrassment is a mask for superiority or contempt one last example of contempt you might see in your relationship is put down sarcasm like this joke where the punchline is Ross’s failed marriages that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever yeah well you should know you’ve bought like a billion of them the show is fiction but unfortunately these jokes where people attack something you’re sensitive about are all too real in many relationships another example would be sarcasm where the underlying message is that someone in the relationship isn’t a capable person and I picked up all the forms I’ll take care of everything well sure if you say you’re going to take care of everything I have no reason to doubt you good sarcasm lets you laugh along with it if you feel hurt it may not be that you’re sensitive it may be that there’s contempt behind the joke contempt has even more subtle non-verbal ways it shows itself like eye rolling sneering and scoffing the opposite of contempt is appreciation if you want a relationship that’s full of love and lasts a lifetime then purposely build the habit of telling people what you appreciate about them and filter for a partner who’s good at sharing what they appreciate about you for example Robert Downey Jr is notorious for being sarcastic in interviews but listen to how he talks about his wife you know what’s so amazing is just how happy you are in her presence it’s so beautiful yeah you just make everything better this doesn’t mean you can’t be sarcastic but you want your sarcasm to communicate love for for example watch how Michelle Obama uses sarcasm to launch into a compliment I never get to do anything with my husband I haven’t seen him in three days this is a nice date it’s good to see you looking good in a healthy relationship expressing appreciation creates mutual appreciation and makes your partner more likely to respond in kind I hate following Michelle try to be married to Michelle Obama without mutual appreciation it can be extremely easy to fall into the third habit that kills relationships defensiveness defensiveness is when you attempt to make your partner feel bad for something they’ve said instead of addressing the thing itself this makes it almost impossible to fix an otherwise fixable issue in your relationship one way you may see this is with righteous indignation here’s a quick example from La La Land Emma Stone’s character is trying to help Ryan Gosling’s character she isn’t going about it kindly and so rather than consider her Point Ryan’s character gets defensive and attacks her back why do you care so much about being like you’re an actress what are you talking about if you match aggression with aggression it will almost always escalate a conflict instead use an easy three-step process of de-escalation pause take a deep slow breath and answer in a purposely calm low voice another common example of defensiveness is reverse blame let’s say one partner promised to make dinner and forgot when asked what happened you can take ownership for your mistake or you can defensively say well you forgot to take the trash out last week what you’re saying may be true but it doesn’t help heal the relationship or get your needs met it just further erodes the partnership but you can’t just walks into my room and turn it into a damn art fair Gary I’ve only taken up a little bit of space I don’t care if you only took an inch there might not be a door here but this is my domain okay I don’t go into your bedroom and set up a goddamn saw horse well then what the hell is that pool table doing in the dining room because that’s a common area it may feel like two wrongs make a right but what they don’t do is help heal a relationship the antidote to defensiveness is accepting responsibility that doesn’t mean you need to apologize or admit to things you didn’t do it means own your part in the conflict the show Desperate Housewives actually does a good job of showing what this can look since this whole thing began have you ever once asked me how I’m doing oh my God I haven’t defensiveness escalates a conflict because you’re denying the other person’s reality calmly accepting responsibility to the extent you can do so honestly helps to de-escalate a conflict and make the other person feel heard and understood now if your relationship has criticism contempt and defensiveness in it it can result in the last relationship destroying habit stonewalling stonewalling is when someone withdraws emotionally from a conversation this can include things like shutting down going silent or walking away when your partner says something you don’t like you’re not sorry you know what I meant no I don’t know what you meant I know what you said why don’t you show some regret why don’t you show me that you’re sorry a common misconception about stonewalling is that the person doing it has given up or doesn’t care anymore but the real reason they emotionally disengage might be that they’re emotionally overwhelmed so they shut down to protect themselves I slept with someone if you do feel the instinct to Stonewall the solution isn’t to force yourself to stay in a situation that’s hurting you emotional overwhelm is real and it will make you make bad decisions say things you don’t mean or otherwise hurt a relationship you care about so the healthy alternative is to call a time out when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed and wanting to shut down or run away tell your partner then ask for a 20-minute break from the conversation you can resume it when you’re ready this next clip is again from a fictional TV show but it does a surprisingly good job of showing what a healthy timeout can look like you know if you’re having these kind of doubts now what’s going to change in three months maybe we just shouldn’t get married at all maybe not pause unpause one important note here don’t spend the time out planning out what you’re going to say that will just keep you in that heightened emotional state of fighting spend that 20 minutes focusing on clearing your head and de-escalating your emotions now throughout this video you’ve seen some pretty extreme examples and you might be thinking why does anyone stay in a relationship where there’s regularly fighting tears or emotional disconnection the first reason this happens is because these bad habits build over time they start out small and infrequent but if you don’t cure them quickly they get worse and worse in a relationship spanning multiple decades this can end up getting really ugly the second reason is because deep down at a subconscious level most people are scared they’ll end up alone they lack the confidence to end bad relationships or they lack the Charisma to attract great people so they settle and marry the wrong person never finding someone that truly makes them happy if that resonates with you and you want to avoid that fate you may like our program Charisma University it’s a step-by-step guided program guaranteed to give you more Charisma and confidence in just 30 days now you can read all the details in the link in the description below but I figure the best way to let you know what it’s about is just let the members speak for themselves so here are a few things that past members of said I was at a low point in my life when I began the course suffering from heartbreak the trifecta of healing myself was exercise therapy and Charisma University whereas before I was always one of the most socially awkward within a group I am now one of if not the most charismatic and confident and I’m only a little over halfway through the course I am significantly more confident in all social situations the connection I feel with strangers and close friends and family has increased dramatically I transitioned from someone who never got asked to hang out regularly to multiple people texting me on a daily basis I’ve grown so much because of this course and I cannot thank you enough I had confidence in some areas but not in others then Chris University changed that for me since beginning the program I have seen noticeable changes in my life it has helped me unlock the confidence that comes with knowing that I can go into any social situation and crush it it has had a far bigger impact on me than any traditional class I’ve ever enrolled in you’ll see more success stories like these in the comments if you decide to join the course and if you do join it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee which is 100 for any reason at all we make it 60 days even though the course is only 4 30 days because we want to make sure that you truly feel like you’re getting a ton of value from the course if you want to check it out click the link on screen now or below in the description we’ve had thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it and I would love for you to do the same either way I hope you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one

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45 Comments

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  1. I definitely have issues with being critical. I used to work for a man who connected every negative behavior to a character defect. I think by the time I realized what was going on I'd already internalized the process. That's something I gotta unlearn fast. On the upside, I also know how to connect good behaviors with good character, and I've noticed people REALLY seem to like when I do that… so silver lining.

  2. Once the "Honeymoon phase" — lovey dovey season is over and IF u find yourself bored/stuck in a toxic/non-stop arguments over the mundane things just end it and move on.
    Life is way too short to be stress out with a partner/any relationships to try to cope/endure.
    Find your own happiness✓
    Solitude and peace is the ultimate bliss✓

  3. 00:00 Learn the four communication mistakes that can end your relationship
    01:34 Avoid using absolutes and false feelings trap while expressing your complaints in a relationship.
    03:08 Contempt is a predictor of breakup
    04:47 Expressing appreciation creates mutual appreciation and makes your partner more likely to respond in kind.
    06:22 Defensiveness in relationships can escalate conflicts
    07:46 De-escalate conflicts by accepting responsibility and avoiding stonewalling.
    09:18 Healthy timeouts can improve relationships
    10:39 Charisma University helped me become more confident and charismatic
    Crafted by Merlin AI.

  4. This is why they say to have a good relationship you need to learn to build a two lane road, So flow of information can be shared, heard and reciprocated. Too many times have i seen friends and family fall out of a relationship because they have a one lane street, Where both talk about there feelings but neither is listening. And if you feel like you are going to be heated about a subject of conversation, Let them finish talking ask to pause and explain i need to process everything you said, If they press you then it could be because you are in a bad relationship as well.

  5. I think the Liam and Miley clip isn't a good example. Rather than seeing him be contemptuous of her behaviour, we saw him be uncomfortable with getting sexualised in public. That's honestly a very understandable boundary to have, and it's good that he defended it, though his phrasing could have used some work.

  6. Be blunt to narcissist best solution ever done look whether they are older than you or younger. Also 2nd tip if no one finds you arrogant when you try to debate but they then 100% confirmed that person is narcissist.

  7. I wish you could list the name of the movies & shows you took the clips from.
    Either in the description or the bottom of the video as you show the scenes

  8. LOL
    You got this from the Gotham 4 horsemen article I bet

    I wrote a similar report on it in 2019 and did a presentation the '4 horsemen of the apocolypse' for relationships =D

  9. If you see yourself treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, or superiority, also consider whether you are fundamentally incompatible. You shouldn't treat them in that way, but WHY are you treating them in that way?

  10. Please understand that you can do everything "right" in a relationship, but if the other person is trying to control and dominate you, you cannot "work it out". I tried the "I feel" method- the response was " I never did that, that never happened, you are ill and not remembering, I'm worried about you". If this is happening to you consistently you cannot "work it out" because it is gaslighting and is manipulative abuse. Gaslighting has devastating effects on our mental faculties and confidence. So remember- you CAN leave ANY relationship at any time. If the other person is really trying to work with you- then keep working on yourself and enjoy!

  11. My rule of thumb is: no one in the relationship should attempt to mind read for any reason. What I mean more specifically is: you can state and contextualize your experience, but starting a remark with, "I feel…" and ending it with a claim about the other person's feelings or thoughts is completely invalid. I find it to be extremely manipulative and avoiding accepting accountability for one's own actions.
    What you feel is WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. If you don't know what your partner is thinking or feeling, than you don't know. Intuition isn't valid. Ask. Don't assume. Intuition is a way to pretty up and make assumption sound more intelligent and sophisticated than it actually is.

  12. It's hard not to do these things. They're obviously natural to the most of us because it's easy to do any one of these in the moment. I guess it's about growing, maturing, being more accountable for your emotional reactions to things. This is behavior most of us have to learn.