5 Red Flags In Dating You Should NEVER Ignore


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few things can ruin your life faster than a toxic relationship what have you lost as a result of misheard making these allegations against you nothing less than everything no matter the outcome of this trial i’ll carry that for the rest of my day that’s why in this video we’re going to cover five early signs you or someone you love is in a toxic relationship so you can change things before it ruins your life keep in mind that none of these mean you must break up immediately toxicity exists on a spectrum and these are just signs that you need to move things back towards the healthy side or get out the first sign that things are getting toxic is when someone uses totalizing language in arguments listen to amber heard do it here you make me be the bigger person every single time i’m the one to do it every time it means i’m the bigger person every time it means i have to be the strong one it means every time i have to fight for a relationship you never ever do the work the problem with this language is that it is almost never true people may mostly be in one way but to say always or never is to reduce the positive things about your partner down to zero while elevating your contribution to the max it makes the person on the receiving end feel attacked and underappreciated which is likely to make arguments spiral into bad faith personal attacks so if you or your partner does this make an agreement to speak about your feelings and what you’d like rather than speaking in absolutes this means instead of saying you always make me clean up the dishes you can say i clean up the dishes more than i’d like and i would like you to help out more often when you speak about your feelings and what you’d like what you’re saying can’t be argued with and it makes disagreements much more productive the second sign of toxicity is feeling compelled to gather evidence against your partner to show them how unreasonable they’ve been this happens several times in the deaf heard relationship with amber taking secret recordings of johnny while he was drunk you got this going maybe in your life you are tempted to record an argument to show your partner how unfair they’re being or perhaps someone makes a list of mistakes that their partners made so they’re prepared when they say well when have i ever done that the problem with both of these is that it’s a clear indication that one partner cannot trust the other to honestly and clearly reflect on their own behavior which takes us to the third sign which is justifying aggressive behavior by making it a sign of love for instance listen to johnny depp’s words to amber here and then you write the only reason we go for the throat is love did i read that right you did we saw something similar in will smith’s acceptance speech after he hit chris rock love will make you do crazy things when you say these type of things or allow someone else to say them to you you guarantee that your relationship is filled with drama craziness and potentially violence because if drama craziness and violence are proof of love then that’s what relationships are supposed to produce you are much better off believing that aggressive cruel violent behavior is a sign that someone doesn’t love you that way you don’t tolerate that kind of behavior and either change it or get out now sadly this habit of using love as an excuse to treat people poorly is very common because so many people were raised in homes where parents represented their imperfect behavior as totally loving but we’re gonna get more into that towards the end for now we’re moving to our fourth point which is not believing someone when they show you that you’re not compatible for instance on the tv show the ultimatum this guy is dead set on having a family and kids while this woman doesn’t really want to be a mom everyone here i feel like for the most part is like very open to having children i’m i’m the black sheep what is it it’s 75 like the parenting thing i’m i’m a family man simple as that you think it’s something that you could possibly overcome in the future maybe yeah the problem is this is his takeaway from that conversation she wants to have kids i can tell she wants to have kids i feel like i’m a guy who can comfort those feelings she’s having and hold her hand as she goes through people often believe that accepting a maybe on something that they need in a relationship is an act of love they think that they can see through to what the other person really needs deep down but there’s a lot of ego involved in thinking that you’re going to be the one to tame the bad boy or inspire the single girl to want a traditional family it casts you in the role of savior who can heal others with your special brand of love except that more often than not maybes don’t become yeses and as time goes on those compatibility issues that you didn’t take seriously can become the major source of pain in your life here will smith describes how difficult things got when he realized that jada wasn’t going to change her mind about the life she wanted for context he thought she’d come around to wanting the life he’d always dreamed of with a traditional partnership guided by traditional measures of success and i realized she didn’t want none of the stuff i had built the house was too big she didn’t want all of her kids to be getting trolled on twitter like she didn’t want any of that and there was a decline from there yeah to have to let go of the picture yeah to have to let go of the dream was devastating these problems are what caused the smiths to separate then the whole issue of seeing other people and regardless of how things wind up working out for them they can both attest that you need to take what someone says they want and don’t want in a relationship very seriously at the beginning don’t view changing someone as an act of love and definitely don’t make it your project sadly many of us do the opposite we pick partners that we are totally incompatible with and try to change them because we haven’t worked through our childhood issues and this brings us to our fifth sign and i warn you most people have this sign so don’t take this as an attack doesn’t mean that you can’t have a happy relationship but it does make it harder and that sign is when you don’t know the traumas that formed your childhood experience of love as an example let’s say that a girl grows up in a household with lots of conflict to the point of violence but when the conflict dies down perhaps one parent leaves this could lead to the child assuming that fighting is a necessary part of love because as long as there’s fighting there isn’t abandonment that’s how you get lines like this from amber heard you at least have the knowledge in the back your head that you can fall back on that i showed up that i fought for you let’s face it it’s because i fight for this and then lines like this when johnny says he’s going to walk away from their argument triggering the childhood terror of abandonment you’re killing me with this you’re killing me killing me or take a boy born into a household with physical abuse he may think that remaining strong through that abuse is a demonstration of love which he believes is totally appropriate that’s what johnny depp answered when asked why he stayed with amber despite episodes of physical abuse i’m sure that it’s somehow related to my father remaining stoic as my mother would beat him to death when two people in a relationship haven’t healed their childhood trauma around what love means it can guarantee that things become toxic without realizing it they’re very likely to create exactly the scenarios that they say they don’t want as they search for the love they’re most familiar with from childhood now you may not have big obvious traumas in your childhood but comparatively little ones can still create dysfunctions down the line for instance maybe your parents didn’t know how to handle you being angry other than by withdrawing from or punishing you you might learn that love can’t tolerate being angry and therefore you repress your frustrations in relationships this might seem like a great low conflict strategy but down the line those unconscious frustrations will find a way to express themselves in your life perhaps a self-critical behavior or sudden burst of anger now this is just one hypothetical outcome of many but whatever the case we all have unconscious rules around what love means and we act out those patterns until we consciously heal them that’s why it’s a good idea to explore our early life relationship dramas even if we think we don’t have any our video on will smith goes more in depth on this if you’d like more on the topic in the meantime if one of the areas you think you could improve is your confidence you might like our course charisma university it’s a step-by-step video guided program that is guaranteed to give you more charisma and confidence in 30 days now you can read 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27 Comments

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  1. This is a good example of two people with attachment issues doing a dance. Avoidant triggers anxious atttached. Both ambivalent . But they BOTH fear true authentic connection. They trigger each other’s fear precisely. That’s why it gets like that, this is so common. If we work on our own attachment wounds and traumas, then we can find others ready to grow with us.

  2. I totally agree with this. My deepest pain is feeling like no one will love the real me as my mom’s love was very conditional and she was emotionally unresponsive so I find it tough to allow people in and tend to be on the solitude side when it comes to deep things. I tend to withdraw and do feel like no one truly knows me (to this day)

  3. When selecting a partner or spouse please make sure you are on the same page with what is most important to you in a relationship and priorities. If having children is a huge priority, don't go with the girl who says maybe. Go with a girl who also has that same priority in a relationship. My Best friend turned down a wonderful young man because his priority was living an urban city when her priority was being out in nature and being on a rural farm. Both are now married to other people who have those same priorities.

  4. Not sure why people act as if Johnny is the innocent one. He admitted openly during the trial that he was violent. They’re both not good people but the difference is people simp for him and it’s pretty pathetic to watch.

  5. Thank you for this video
    I recently broke off an engagement
    I didn't realize why I was so uncomfortable in the relationship until AFTER we broke up. We had at least 2 of these red flags. Sadly, the majority of relationships I saw growing up had one or more of these red flags.

  6. The biggest thing I've learned about dating is do NOT assume people will change or that you can change them. I wasted my 20s trying to change my ex, despite him showing me exactly who he was from day one. Don't let your desperate need for companionship make you overlook incompatibility. You deserve true love, reciprocity and all those other fun mushy things that the RIGHT partner brings. 🥰

  7. I think expectations for a person to change (especially something they enjoy or love to do) because they are getting in a relationship with you is a major issue.
    Like expecting someone to give up playing videos games, or to be in a monogamous relationship (when they never were before) or even something like smoking marijuana, drugs or alcohol or something they were doing long before they met you. If it is truly an issue, talk about it with them, but don't "expect" things to change. Ask yourself if you are willing to accept them the way they are and how much of "that thing you wish they'd change" actually bothers you and how major is the issue for you.

    Note: Changes in the relationship will happen, but avoid getting in relationships thinking you'll be able to force or demand changes.

  8. Hey guys for those interested I can send you the whole charisma university course for a much better price ! The course is amazing but not affordable for everyone :/ so let me help you out 🙂

  9. Wow… This video helped me really think deep and realize I tend to have some of these toxic traits (like speaking in absolutes) when I fight with my boyfriend. Thanks for pointing these out, I'll definitely try to correct myself after watching this.

  10. I was kind of hoping for a more nuanced view on the Heard/Depp situation for toxic relationships instead of putting the blame all on her. Depp has a repeated history of violence against others when he's been drinking/abusing drugs. In fact, he has an upcoming trial about assaulting a film crew member. He's also had multiple arrests over the years for assault.

    She had multiple witnesses and documentation over the years of her abuse and has not had any other history of violence. He talked about burning her alive and raping her corpse. And this was apparently before they were even married.

    In a video about toxic relationships, it was really baffling to not see traits like being controlling of your partner's whereabouts, not trusting your partner's word about things very early on, of lovebombing, or of using degrading language to refer to past partners as signs of toxic behavior. These are toxic traits that are less obvious, but tend to show early on, and are sometimes painted as something good (especially lovebombing).

  11. I am very happy with my current partner, we get along great other then.. she doesnt want to have children. I do. Thank you for opening my eyes. As much as this hurts to even think, I may need to consider finding someone else or accept not raising a child of my own. I hate negative forethought, hence I held myself back from thinking about this deeply. I did think her attitude towards having children might change as we get to know each other more. I am moving to her country and house in few months. I want her to be happy. She deserves it. But now I realize.. her happiness may not lie with me 🙁

  12. There’s some bad advice here. Most women do want kids, whether they’re able to admit it or not. And even if they don’t know they want kids, biologically their body does.