How To Spot And Prevent Manipulation (Gaslighting)


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there are dangerous people in this world who will try to manipulate and control you one tool they’ll use is gaslighting a form of emotional abuse that makes you doubt your own reality this lets them get away with things that most people wouldn’t tolerate in a relationship so today you’ll learn eight signs someone might be gaslighting you one important thing to remember gaslighting is a pattern especially with some of the more subtle signs from later in the video seeing them once doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being gaslit but be wary if you see these signs repeatedly the most obvious sign someone is gaslighting you is if they genuinely attack your sanity here’s a quick example of what this can look like from the movie Goodfellas Ray Liotta’s character has just been accused of cheating which he is doing this is all in your mind you’re a lousy people use gaslighting as a way to escape admitting they’ve done something wrong so one potential red flag is phrases like you’re being paranoid you’re making this all up or this is all in your head a more subtle way gaslighters denyron doing is by rewriting the past here’s an example from the show The Bachelorette for context the guy is mad that his potential wife went naked bungee jumping with another contestant I’m just thinking of you holding him bare skin and I’m just thinking in my mind like it really pissed me off I mean it really frustrated me I mean I’m looking for you to meet my family soon and I felt like it was a slap in the face no gaslighting so far just a disagreement but listen to how he responds later when she brings up that she didn’t like what he said in that conversation you did say like it felt like a slap in the face you’re twisting my words you want to be confident about me letting me meet your family yeah I was totally misunderstood there rewriting the past is so effective because days after a conversation it can be tough to have total conviction in your memory of what happened but that conviction is the only way to protect yourself from gaslighting I wasn’t about the bungee jumping thing at all at that moment will you what you are we were talking about that and it was like in that same like totally misunderstood now that you’re bringing it to me that way keep an eye out for phrases like I never said that or you’re misremembering if you’re constantly doubting your memories or you find you want to take notes so you can be sure you’re remembering things the right way you might be a victim of gaslighting now as we just saw completely rewriting the past is hard to pull off so some gaslighters avoid outright denial instead they minimize their bad behavior across the face in a proper slot but I was hitting you it was not punching you babe you’re not punched here’s another example for you of what this might sound like this time with Jada Smith Trying to minimize having an affair I got into a different kind of entanglement with August if you do feel like someone is trying to diminish your emotional reaction by using inaccurate or vague language call it out you need to say clearly what happened as far as what you and I decided we were going to take our space and what happened yeah and then I got into an entanglement with August that’s what I said an entanglement yes yes a relationship yes it was a relationship another form of minimizing is trying to normalize bad behavior so your sense that you’re being deeply harmed gets overridden by the other person’s insistence that everyone goes through these situations here’s a few examples for you of what this might sound like because I feel like there are a lot of couples that go through those periods any relationship and trying to get to deeper understanding of Love is going to be forged in fire you got to go through some to get the answers it’s true that all relationships have their ups and downs but this doesn’t automatically justify all bad behavior so if you notice someone making vague statements like this to justify something they did get specific if you were in this situation you can protect yourself from losing touch with your Reality by saying something like most couples do go through conflict but most couples aren’t dealing with their spouse having an affair with their son’s teenage friend one final lesson from that Will and Jada conversation keep an eye out for empathy hijacking this is when someone justifies doing something hurtful or selfish by saying they needed it in order to heal they are hoping that since you are an empathetic person who doesn’t want someone to be in pain you’ll accept that this justifies their behavior for example listen to how Jada frames sleeping with her son’s friend I actually don’t look at it as a transgression at all through that particular journey I learned so much about myself and was able to really confront a lot of emotional immaturity emotional insecurity and I was really able to do some really deep healing it’s been a huge healing on my life you do not have to accept this Frame being unhappy is not a free pass to treat you poorly the next sign someone might be gaslighting you is if they regularly deflect blame onto you here’s an example from the show Euphoria of what this might sound like in this clip Cat’s boyfriend Ethan has just called her in a massive light pretending to have a terminal brain disorder as an excuse to end their relationship I feel like you’re lying to me lying about a terminal brain disorder that’s sick now listen to how cat tries to Gaslight her way out of the situation by making him the problem and to be honest the fact that he think I would even lie about something that awful means there’s a big problem in this relationship which is like literally what I was trying to say in the beginning sadly a victim of gaslighting can start to doubt themselves here wondering am I the one causing problems in this relationship it’s easy to get confused because gaslighters use language that an honest person would use if they were wrongly accused the only way to know if it’s gaslighting is if you see a pattern of Shifting the blame to you so notice if you feel you’re walking on eggshells around this person because they always find a way to blame you for anything that goes wrong the only way to protect yourself from this is to maintain conviction in your reality which is much easier said than done one thing that can help is stating your version of reality out loud in the beginning I feel like you started to break up with me and then you pivoted to telling me that you got like a terminal brain illness and now I feel like you’re using my skepticism that’s like a reason to break up with me that’s your experience no I think that’s the experience another red flag to watch out for is projection this is when the gaslighter will accuse you of having the negative qualities or intentions that they have for example watch what happens when Ethan gives cat a chance to end their relationship yeah you don’t want to be in a relationship with me and I get it if it’s okay just say it just have like the courage to actually be honest because what you’re doing right now is just like feels like [ __ ] here’s the first example of what projection might look like I can’t believe this you’re literally trying to break up with me no I’m trying to help you say what you want to say a gaslighter will even go so far as to project their manipulative Tendencies onto you yeah use gas like me tell me how to feel all because I don’t meet your expectations this can be very confusing especially if the person has Gaslight you enough in the past that they’ve weakened your faith in yourself you start to wonder wait am I accidentally doing this bad thing that they’re accusing me of that’s their goal to put you on the defensive and shift the focus away from their own manipulative Behavior a more common form of Shifting the blame onto you is making your emotional reaction the problem here’s an example of what this might look like from Jay shetty’s YouTube channel for context this guy is cheating with his friend Karina I’m a little uncomfortable Steven Karina’s friendship what baby come on I told you I just look at her like one of the dudes okay I really think you’re overreacting this is such an effective form of gaslighting because it’s exactly what someone would say if they weren’t cheating and you were overreacting so how can you tell if you’re being gaslit one thing to consider is if you’ve gotten this feedback before from people that you trust if so it’s possible this is just an accurate way to describe you but if it’s only this one person who accuses you of emotionally overreacting to things and it’s mostly When you mention something they’ve done wrong that’s a red flag so what’s the impact of all these gaslighting behaviors they lead you to regularly feeling confused second guessing your own feelings and thinking there’s something wrong with you that you can’t trust yourself to accurately understand what’s happening in your own life so what can you do if you feel like you might be in a relationship with a gaslighter here’s a four-step action plan first speak up and share your perspective calmly let the person know that you feel like they aren’t respecting your view of reality if your partner seems to really be listening acknowledges your feelings and then permanently changes their behavior so that you stop seeing the signs in this video then it’s possible it wasn’t purposeful manipulate relation if the person tries to completely shut down the conversation and your feelings that’s a sign to move to step two calmly takes space once you’re away from the person get other people’s perspectives this can be professional help or friends and family that you trust outside perspectives can help you realize that you’ve been a victim of gaslighting this is why abusers will often try to separate you from the other people in your life if you can confirm that you are in fact being gaslit it’s time to strongly consider ending the relationship if you have a family member or someone you co-parent with who gaslights you this may not be possible but you can still work to create space and minimize the relationship and if your gaslighter is a friend or significant other you don’t share children with your best path forward is to cut ties with them all together I know this is easier said than done but when it comes to being emotionally abused very often cutting the person off completely is the only path towards healing if you are in a relationship with a gaslighter or if you haven’t in the past please recognize that you are not flawed for falling for the tricks of an emotionally abusive person this isn’t your fault abuse can happen to anyone it’s recognizing emotional abuse that takes courage and strength and by watching this video you’ve already taken the first step towards reclaiming your life and regaining some of the self-compassion you may have lost the next step is to focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and self-love get back to the basics prioritize your health by eating well getting enough sleep and exercising get back to doing the activities you enjoy spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself and potentially seek support from helplines a therapist or an organization specializing in abuse recovery it won’t happen overnight but taking these steps will lead you to a better life with more genuine love respect and happiness

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41 Comments

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  1. Wow. Just wow. At least we learn from those relationships. I learned that my gut is always, always right and it can even show me by feeling nervous and small, having tight muscles and having bad dreams about a person. Never never again.
    Thank you for this valueable content ❤

  2. excellent video i liked how they said if you did not have kids with the person to just cut ties. What do you do when the person gaslighting you is your ex wife and have 2 kids together so you have to try to co parent with someone who is constantly gaslighting you, even though both parties have moved on I got remarried to someone who treats me right and she is dating someone else

  3. Do gaslighters ever fake accountability? Like, when you try to confront them about it, they turn into a mess talking about what a monster they are and forcing you to comfort them, or is this a different phenomenon? I am in desperate need of answers to this question as I have a family member I’m forced to live with who does this.

  4. My sibling is a gaslighter, and I have to live with them, at least for now. I don’t like to blame others for how I feel, but between them and their boyfriend, I feel not only like I deserve death, but eternal damnation. I feel like a failure and like everything’s my fault and I just don’t know what to do. I want to escape so bad, but the only escape I see is death, and I don’t want to hurt my mom. We recently lost my father and grandmother (mom’s husband of over 20 years and her own mother), I didn’t want her to add a daughter to the list of her recently lost. I just wish I wasn’t such a selfish coward, that I could mature and not let my sibling hurt me so much.

    My sibling says they’d hate me if I died, but I don’t know what they want from me when they blame me for everything wrong, whether it’s how they and their boyfriend feel or them not doing something and it falls to me.

  5. What bites is having a narcissistic father who has gaslit you your whole life then he plays victim when I question anything he does. But he also mocks me after he gaslit me.

  6. I've been the recipient of all of these behaviours and can confirm it takes a long time to recognise gaslighting. It becomes crystal clear in hindsight. Sadder, but wiser.

  7. I worked for Honeland Security, wprked for a couple of narcisisists, pointed out their technical erros, and then received retribution via all of the tactics in this video.

    Gaslighting, rewriting narratives and history, playing the role of victims, damaging credibility, triangulating other enployees against me, deflecting, projecting, and the unsolicited microaggresssions, and threats.

    The HR in Washington knew these individuals had a history, and the oversight agency long suspected what I discovered, yet these narcissistic abusers were promoted.

  8. Something I heard when I was investigating whether or not I was being gaslit, was that WHEN you start suggesting that conversations be recorded, you're already in much deeper than you realise. I was suggesting this and being told that I should get some professional help for years before I heard this. It put everyting into perspective.

  9. Try to accept this is happening to men especially after marriage and kids ! don't monopoly this to men alone ! many women control their husband through psychology !

  10. If you’re not married to a gaslighter, just run. Chronic gaslighters do not love or respect you, they are using you and stealing love that belongs to someone else who loves you. If you are married to a gaslighter, it’s more complicated, especially if it didn’t start out that way. If all is okay ( ie no deal-breaking abuse or unfaithfulness), then it is worth it to invest in calling spouse out at all costs and working for change to turn that relationship back into (or maybe for first time) one where mutual love and respect thrive and bring out best in each other.

  11. I was married to a gaslighter for fifteen years; he was so good at manipulation (and I was an easy target) that I came away from him with a case of PTSD that I still struggle with today.

  12. I didnt get something: You showed a girl jumping naked with another guy, and then his BF said to her that is felt like a slap in the face (wich ofc it could really be).
    But then you showed her telling her that she didnt like the way he said it and he saying "you are twisting my words" and he is the one haslighting her?.

    I mean his words didnt fell out of line for me, and it is hard to understand why would she felt that he should say anything diferent to her than what he felt. Why is he gaslighing her when she is talking about the way he spoked and he is just saying "you are twisting my words".

    I understand that if you recall to someone the exact words of a conversation and give a literal meaning they may be hurt you somehoe, but are we really not taking full responsability of a behaiviour like this and just put into the other person the "I didnt like the way you said it"?. How is he gaslighting her by not giving real importance to how she felt about his words?.

    Are this guy words that bad that the conversation has to go around it?.

    TBH I dont see it. Or maybe I am missinterpretating lol

  13. Will told Jada, if I can't make you happy, you need to go and find your happiness. From reading his book that conversation came about on her 40 birthday when she thought Will was just doing what he always does, show other people he can throw a big party for his wife (something Jada did not want which Will assumed it was because of her thinking of only himself with his EGO) when actually Jada was going through an emotional breakdown. This kind of situation comes from very little conversation in which both parties decides no one is really listening.

  14. The man I love & have been with for 14yrs has been doing this to me for so long I stopped listening to my gut. It’s a relief to know it hasn’t been “all in my head” but now what. Heartbroken

  15. Best advice is experience gaslight in person, not over text. We are in texting era right now and it's not accurate to know someone's verbal cue over text.

  16. Bro! Thanks for sharing all this content. I was able to recognize some gaslighting I’ve done in the past which I didn’t know it was gaslighting with my spouse and surely affected her emotionally without realizing. I tend to shift the focus of my wrong doings on to the way she react. I know we must allow others to feel their own emotions but now I don’t know if is okay to point out the way she reacts in an argument. Like, let’s say that we are having a disagreement for something wrong I did and she reacts in a very verbally aggressive way, could I say to her “is okay to be upset at what I’ve done to you but the way you are raising your voice does not help solve the situation.” Is this still considered gaslighting? I’m thrilled to see you guy’s perspectives, it will be very appreciated!

  17. I was gaslighted by a female friend with Autism. She even made fun of my Dyxlexia because of my english struggles😔

    It was a nightmare, I had a terrible experience with that person and she almost ruin my reputation which I had to cut off her out of my life.

    All this abuse and bullying I developed this trauma that I no longer trust people with Autism as friends.

  18. Wife forgot to set her Alarm for work then blames it on the Husband stating "Why you didn't remind me about my alarm?!" Now I'm late to work because of you!

  19. One of the signs you're being gaslighted is being constantly put on the spot to justify or explain what should be plainly obvious if they were operating in good faith. Questions like, what did I do, why can't I do that, or what's wrong with that? Also statements like, that's not what I said, or you're twisting my words. The difference between a good faith argument and gaslighting is the former will merely disagree with the premise of your perspective or argument, while the latter will actively deny the existence or legitimacy of that perspective, and therefore force you to have to reconstruct your reality from scratch, which drains your energy and tests your memory recall. It's easy to bumble a detail here and there, upon which you can bet they will pounce on it to further erode your reality.

  20. Dont forget that misremembering does happen. Simply because someone points it out to you doesnt mean theyre gaslighting you. We all think we have perfect recall when the in fact almost none of us remember things nearly as accurate as we think we do. Both parties should keep that in mind.

  21. Women are primes of gas lighting. They rephrase words to make themselves look like the victim. "Entanglement" instead of cheating. I hate it when they always do this kind of BS. Even if its a dude. Just say it the way it is don't try to change the meaning of what happen. You have to wonder why most work related issues are between women…?

  22. What’s wild is that the Depp/Heard audio clip that they used is an hour long. In the beginning Amber Heard is berating Johnny for NOT fighting. The longer the audio goes on the more you realize that what she’s accusing him of is what she actually does. Another aspect of gaslighting is projecting and reversing the roles.

  23. and what about the cases where the person really is misremembering, imagining, or slipping the timeline? what if its the actual facts? what if witnesses, video and audio back it up? acting like these phrases automatically mean you are being gaslit is a great way to in fact gaslight, shift the blame and never self reflect.

  24. I had an interesting experience with this-dating a psychologist, of all people! I did the thing I needed to protect myself- told him I needed space to process what he had told me and I would call him when I had enough time to process, but would touch base back by end of day. Meanwhile he was telling me that I couldn't 'just leave' until we had talked more about it. Pfft-I left. Before I had even gotten home (7 min drive), he was calling me. Just getting away from the issue and being able to think about it without his input, I realized what he was doing and blocked him. I cut all contact.