The 5 To 1 Rule: How To Make Friends Easily

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we are in an epidemic of loneliness and it’s a real problem roughly half of adults report feeling socially disconnected and science is showing loneliness is associated with greater risk of dementia stroke depression anxiety and even has a similar risk of premature death as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day on the flip side you’ve probably heard that you are an average of The Five People You spend the most time with that means with rare exceptions your happiness and success are heavily dependent on who your friends are so in today’s video you’ll learn how to improve in each of the four main phases for making incredible friendships how to meet new people how to turn those meetings into friendships how to make those friendships world class and how to maintain those worldclass friendships for decades okay so step one meeting new people by far the most common way that people meet their close friends is proximity do you know all your neighbors and co-workers it’s very possible that an incredible friendship is already nearby you just have to follow the advice in this video to create it when there is someone you want to meet and you aren’t sure what to say try this simple conversation starter hey I don’t think I’ve met you yet I’m I’m B say it with a smile and energy and you’ll be shocked at how easy it is to start a conversation that feels natural now let’s say you’ve met your neighbors and co-workers and you don’t think your next great friendship is there well you’ve heard birds of a feather flock together so join a flock look for a pre-selected group that shares your interests so for instance if you’re interested in improving your charisma you can join things like a beginner’s improv class or Toast Masters if you feel like you don’t have time to start a new activity then consider how the things you’re already doing can be done more socially if you work from home join a co-working space if you like Athletics join a gym that specifically Fosters Community like CrossFit or Jiu-Jitsu replace a solo habit like weightlifting with a similar habit that automatically connects you with potential new friends if you can’t find a pre-existing group that excites you you can also become a beacon create the group and host events yourself you may think this is impossible if you don’t already have a lot of friends but that isn’t the case you can use public platforms to attract like-minded people to your event so if you’re in school you can do this by starting a school sponsored group if you’ve graduated you can do this by by using something like or a local forum like your city’s subreddit you’ll automatically attract people who share whatever interest you’re creating the group about and those people will want to meet you because you’re the host lastly if making friends is a priority say yes to invitations you’d be surprised how many people say they want to make new friends but then don’t go when a friend invites them to something with new people okay so now that you’re meeting new people how do you go from meeting to being friends this is a two-step process first you have to make a good enough impression that they want to see you a second time and then you have to figure out the logistics of actually hanging out again we’ve made other videos on how to make a great impression so instead of covering that again I’ll link to two videos at the end of this video if you want a refresher that said I do want to take a few seconds to go over a mindset that makes it way easier for you to connect with new people no exaggeration this mindset will help you with every goal you have in your life focus on the process not the outcome so in the context of making friends don’t make your goal in conversation to become friends with the person that outcome Focus can make you nervous and kill your charisma instead make your focus in conversation to have fun and see if you two connect if you do that enough times you’ll eventually end up making friends with the right people for you if you’re thinking to yourself even if I met 50 new people I’d be lucky to have one who wants to be my friend then you need to start by prioritizing your own self-improvement become someone who the people you want to be friends with will want to be friends with once you hit it off and it’s clear you’re both enjoying the conversation you want to set up a second hangout in a way that feels natural to do this bait for sh sh interests so for example if someone asks why I live in Malibu I could just say I love the warm weather or I can say I love the warm weather it lets me Surf and golf year round so many times that’s led to someone saying they also like surfing or golfing or that they’ve never surfed but have always wanted to try it it creates a very natural way to make plans together on the flip side if you’ve met by joining a flock or becoming a beacon you already know your shared interest but you might find your friendship gets stuck in that one setting so you see your friend at improv or the gym but never out outside of it in this case just ask them if they want to get food or a drink after whatever you’re doing it sounds obvious but a true friendship is hard to grow in just one setting sometimes purposely going to another venue is all it takes to go from acquaintance to starting a friendship now let’s talk about making your friendship stronger the obvious thing that helps is simply time together the more fun memories you have the better your friends will be but beyond that there are three ways you can strengthen your friendships any one of these is all it takes to become close friends and with all three you’re very likely to be friends for life also just to heads up for the rest of this video I’m going to sprinkle in some clips of celebrity friendships as examples to highlight some of the points the first thing that can deepen a friendship is a shared North Star that’s what took Ben Affleck and Matt Damon from Simply being neighbors as kids to being lifelong best friends we both were in love with this you know the same thing with with acting and and with film making and and I don’t know I think we kind of fed on each other’s Obsession and dur during some really formative important years and and and that that bonded us for life I think a shared goal automatically creates a ton of deep conversations and a catalyst to spend time together it also naturally creates opportunities to strengthen the Friendship for example listen to Ben explained why he and Matt had a joint bank account at one point we were teenagers and we wanted to go up to New York we in Boston we wanted to go New York and audition and we we were kind of like we wanted to help each other and we we with one of us would make enough movies so that we could money so that we keep having enough to take the train to New York to do the next audition the first step to chasing a dream together is learning what someone’s Big Dreams Are people often ask their friends small questions how’s your day how was work what are you up to this weekend you should also ask your friends big questions what’s a dream you have for your life what’s your ideal vision for your life in 5 to 10 years simply asking these questions will deepen your friendships another great way to see if you share a North star is to send your friends whatever book or video inspired your Big Dreams some people won’t look at it others won’t like it like you did but for a few it’ll Inspire them just like it inspired you and now you have a friend who shares your North Star and wants to pursue that dream Vision with you the next thing that can turn a friendship into a lifelong friendship is being a Lifeline offering support and help in a time of need for an extreme example listen to Matt Damon tell the story of getting attacked in high school by a student way bigger than him so before I knew it it was like I was on the ground he was he was above me and I was like this is going to be bad and it was right then that little 5 foot2 Ben Affleck tackled this dude off of me literally at the risk of his own life it’s been 30 years since that fight but you can see the memory still means a lot to man but I remember that was like a big moment going like this guy is like he will he will put himself in a really bad spot for me like this is a good friend and if someone already likes you and then they see you’re willing to sacrifice for them or take a risk for them it can create a powerful Bond cuz there never been a time that I called on him and asked him for his help that he wasn’t the first responder but just know whenever you call on me I will come because you have been one of the greatest friends that I’ve made in 35 years now not everyone you support and help will reciprocate some will be selfish and some will take you for granted you should never give to someone expecting or demanding something in return but if you’re supportive and generous with your friends it is very likely they will love you for it and then based on their behavior you can decide who you want to be close with and who you want to keep as an acquaintance or filter out of your life being a Lifeline doesn’t always require a huge sacrifice when someone is having a hard time sometimes all it takes is letting them know you love them and you’re here for them I now like see resilience as like a major quality in Friendship when your stock is down if they’re still wanting to hang out that’s like and I know who those people are now it’s really fun there was a few critical times which are private and I don’t want to share but which where your support was so profoundly meaningful to me that I don’t think I would have been able to be successful without it so now in your ideal close friendships you won’t just have two people who help each other achieve their goals or support each other through tough times you’ll also have mutual vulnerability two people who feel seen accepted as you are and loved without judgment how can you create this there’s three pieces to this and they feed off each other the first piece is a willingness to share honestly prioritize being honest over looking good often you’ll have to go there first before the other person will follow you so share yourself fully including things that you’re scared will make you look flawed the second piece is a willingness to accept honesty in return friends won’t always agree with each other you have to be open to heing the other person’s honest truth longterm standing in the Gap no matter what I’m here for you going to tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it we can go to one another and the other person will give like very loving advice I mean you’ve left me messages before where you’ll say lady I think it’s you I think you’re wrong actually I have to be honest we’re a safe space for each other the third piece which is crucial if you want complete authenticity from your friends is a lack of judgment and an underlying sense of acceptance even if you think a friend is making a decision that’s bad for them give that feedback in a way that makes it clear your advice is for them for their sake but you’re here for them no matter what even if they do make the mistake you’re trying to help them avoid now if you think the person is doing something morally wrong you shouldn’t pretend you’re okay with it at that point your advice may hurt the Friendship but if they’re doing something you think is truly awful that’s probably for the best after all your goal isn’t to have as many friends as possible it’s to have deep meaningful friendships with the right people now for the last chapter in today’s video how to maintain your close friendships for decades the first step to maintaining a decades long friendship is getting good at constructive conflict most people have an avoidant strategy for conflict don’t say anything pretend there’s no problem don’t make it a big deal this works if it’s something you’re willing to put up with forever after all no friend will be perfect but ask yourself if this never changes for 10 years how will you feel will you still want to be this person’s friend or will the small fight you’re avoiding today become a huge source of negative feelings and ultimately ruin the Friendship if it’s the lad you’re much better off learning the three steps of constructive conflict first set a loving container let them know that you want to talk to them because you value the Friendship you’re not blaming them they’re not bad you love them that’s why you want to talk to them lead with love and you’ll be shocked how much better your conflicts go second make the conflict about a specific behavior not the person it will look something like this what did you call what did you call me what you don’t want to do is go beyond addressing a specific behavior and attack your friend’s character or personality are you so insecure that you have to pull that crap the third step in constructive conflict is to speak in the two FS facts and feelings you want to avoid saying anything the other person will disagree with that way you don’t derail the heart of the issue bickering about details so for instance you wouldn’t say you always leave trash everywhere you don’t respect me now they can disagree with you about always everywhere and the feelings you assign them instead you want to say when you leave trash on the table it makes me feel frustrated using this framework you can hopefully have a productive conversation and work through your occasional conflicts in a calm constructive way on the flip side how do you make sure conflict is constructive if the other person has an issue with you if someone comes to you complaining about you or even criticizing you don’t get defensive don’t try to prove that they’re wrong and you’re right instead make your primary focus to stay calm and listen often what people first want in conflict is simply to feel heard and understood once you’ve done that you can go through the same constructive conflict steps let them know you value them and their friendship and speaking the two FS facts and feelings ultimately good friends do not have to agree on everything they just need to feel understood respected and loved now while it’s completely normal to occasionally have disagreements or hurt feelings in a friendship you do want to remember the 5 to1 rule this is Fame psychologist John gottman’s magic ratio for every negative interaction during conflict a stable and happy relationship has five or more positive interactions so try not to stack bad interactions or one fight can snowball into ruining what could be a great friendship now one thing that underlies a lot of fighting amongst friends is jealousy and it’s very rarely the topic of the fight instead your jealousy creates negative feelings in you which you don’t want to acknowledge so you pretend they aren’t there then the jealousy builds up and you start to feel an unnamed anger in you towards the other person which ends up coming out in overreactions to other things a lot of fights can be avoided completely if you learn to replace jealousy with joy be genuinely happy for your friend’s happiness for example Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider have been friends for 35 years listen to how they talk about each other’s success Schneider was the first to hit in our cast before a lot of good it did me baby you lapped me a thousand times man but he was he was the first Giant on our show we had it was been a good time you can see Adam’s happier to talk about Rob’s success than his own but I remember sitting and having lunch with him and Schneider just had that on like once or twice the copy guy and the place went bananas and they were all attacking Schneider and I was sitting there eating watching this going this big now you see the same behavior with Rob he immediately deflects from his own success to talk about Adam’s first big break I remember the first time you did you were on Saturday live and then you got Letterman after when you were a comic that was the big thing back then next day we were walking in the village and everybody recognized you yeah from everybody these guys were complete unknowns at the same time on Saturday Night Live they very easily could have viewed each other as competition rooted against each other even actively tried to sabotage each other instead they rooted for each other and they’re still friends today if jealousy is something you struggle with you should check out our video on happiness from last month which I’ll link to in the description when you’re genuinely happy with your own life it’s much easier for you to be happy for your friends the next key to maintaining a strong friendship for years is to expect and embrace change people will grow and change if you hope they’ll stay exactly the same as they are you are going to be disappointed and if you try to keep them stagnant and hold them still as their old self Frozen in time they’ll start to distance themselves from you and instead encourage them to change in the ways that they want to and then see if the new things that excite them also excite you for example Ben Affleck has a new passion one that has taken over the number one spot where acting used to be he wants to make a film studio that gives Equity to everyone involved in the film I want to make the second act of my life to create a really meaningful robust company that develops a new model that tells stories in a different way prizes artists in a different way including behind the camera when someone changes the north star that you’ve shared with them for decades it can be jarring and can hurt a friendship but rather than Matt trying to keep Ben focused on acting he decided to join Ben and create that studio with him now this doesn’t mean that you have to be involved in everything your friends do it would have been just as good for Matt to be excited for Ben’s vision and decide it wasn’t for him it’s natural for friendships to EB and flow to be close and then Less close and then close again just don’t demand that your friends or your friendships stay stagnant and even with everything in this video except that some friendships will end that’s okay because friends aren’t Pokémon your goal isn’t to have as many as possible it’s to have amazing friends who love you support you and enrich your life now if your main goal in watching this video is to create some amazing new friendships you might like our video program Charisma University we designed it to be the fastest path to more friends a better dating life and more confidence every day if you don’t feel like you have dramatically more Charisma and confidence by day 30 of the program you can get all of your money back rather than tell you more about it myself I’ll read you a few things that past members have said I had just moved to a new city for work after college I always had a bit of trouble interacting with people outside of my h hobes and Social Circle and it was even more difficult to connect with people while working from home by sticking with Charisma University I’ve had the confidence to make groups of new friends and land a promotion CU has changed the way I see people and connect with others and I am truly grateful for that another member wrote in I am significantly more confident in all social situations the connection I feel with strangers and close friends and family alike have increased dramatically I transitioned from someone who never got asked to hang out regularly to multiple people texting me on a daily basis I’ve grown so much because of this course and I cannot thank enough and lastly one member wrote lifechanging in 6 weeks I went from being socially awkward with few friends to the life of every event I attend I also went from having serious girl problems to dating the girl in my dreams Charisma University transformed me from a lonely introvert hoping to better connect with people to an energy filled extrovert who makes new friends everywhere I go if you want to see if the program is right for you click the link on screen now or in the description below either way I hope you enjoyed this video and I hope it helps you start to build some amazing friendships



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  1. 1:00 – the problem with that intro is some people don't share their name back.

    Have lost count of the number of people who, when you introduce yourself DO NOT then tell you their name in some BS power play. 🙄

  2. This video doesn't really explain anything about how to actually moment to moment handle a conversation with someone so as to become friends with them. I'm sorry, but there isn't a lot here that would help someone operationalize (think of concrete steps) making friends. Try watching Thomas Smithyman's videos on YouTube about self disclosure and social curiosity. The one on flirting is pretty good too.

  3. Truly innovative content; akin to a book that broke new ground with related concepts. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Author Name

  4. Only things i learnt from this video = "friend aren't Pokemon" you can't have as many as you want some friendships are meant to be end

  5. Bonne vidéo ! Personnellement, je conseille le livre "AISANCE SOCIALE", de Nathan Stone. Le gars est psychologue et tout, il est hyper compétent. Le livre est très complet pour tout ce qui est des relations sociales, en l'amitié, au boulot, l'anxiété sociale, etc. C'est très riche, y a tout !

  6. This is such a weird video… Basically explaining how to be a human. Maybe it would be appropriate for introvert early teenagers, but nothing said in it makes sense for anyone over 12 years old.

  7. I sincerely value the videos y'all make so please understand this comes from a place of love. It makes me sad when you have a typo in the video. Please don't get get defensive. I just WANT to feel heard and understood.

  8. I lost who I thought was a good friend because I hurt her somehow and she refused to discuss it with me, Except to say that I definitely did it on purpose. She claimed she had forgiven me but was going to keep me at arm's length so I didn't hurt her again.
    It's a bit awkward now because I see her on a weekly basis. 🤷‍♀️

  9. Please do a video on How to make a strong relationship with your parents throughout the ages. Especially overcoming negative relationship cycles to avoid family arguments.

  10. This video is definitely not for me! But since I've commented on it, I'm sure the algorithm will suggest more. LOL

    I don't have ANY friends. I'm not lonely. I don't want to be around people. I like being alone.

    People expect things from you. I give enough of myself at work. Going home, closing the front door and listening to the silence or a little night music, etc. is so wonderful!

    I've always been a loner, and I like it that way.