How To Stop Looking Insecure In Conversation


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whether it’s an interview a first date or just a conversation with someone you don’t know well we’ve all had times where things didn’t go well because we were uncomfortable or nervous that feeling sucks so in today’s video we’re going to go through some easy ways to look and feel more confident in those moments where you might have previously felt nervous we’ll do this by breaking down clips of tom holland one reason tom seems so charismatic is because of how he handles his mistakes in conversation in situations where most people would shrink tom expands for example watch this clip of him playing a guessing game with jake gyllenhaal note if there’s a moment when you smile or feel yourself liking tom moore we’re in london we’re going down the street to a funky bee oh the uh and i’m gonna get a haircut to say if you make the threesomes you can do whatever you want oh [ __ ] i was supposed to be like the streets i was like most people shrink when they make a mistake they’ll look down hunch their shoulders to take up less space or get quieter when they speak in contrast tom actually gets louder and more expressive here’s another quick example notice how tom reacts after realizing he’s messed up okay go for it uh what tingles when spider-man is in danger a his spider-sense q oh it’s another question oh [ __ ] i just gave you the answer i thought it was like a multiple choice thing i was like q i was gonna say i could probably spray me probably reacting like that when you accidentally say something stupid shows you’re unfazed which makes you look confident another trick you may have noticed tom also immediately calls himself out for his mistake he doesn’t try to hide it if being loud feels unnatural to you you can start with just a smile here’s a clip where tom isn’t quite as high energy but still calls out his mistake and finds humor in it for context at this point it wasn’t confirmed that there would be a spider-man sequel i’ve had um on spider-man 1 not that i’ve done more than one [Applause] when you misspeak and other people laugh your body language is the difference between having a vibe of making people laugh or being laughed at people cue into your body language so much that when giving contradictory words and body language they will almost always trust what they see over what they hear for a quick example watch these two clips tom says he’s nervous but he still comes across as confident and likeable tom h is that true in that producers went to extreme lengths to keep you from knowing what actually happens in the film yeah i’m very stressed right now because this is live so i’m really just trying to use guys i have to say we do these panels all the time and this is the most stressed i’ve ever been before i came on stage i was like they’re gonna kill me up there tom says he’s nervous yet he’s smiling laughing talking with his hands and overall comes across great so the question is how can you carry yourself with a genuine positivity that feels natural when you’re in a situation that normally would make you feel nervous the trick is to cheat by using your mind-body connection research has shown that you can shift the way you feel simply by changing your body language for example imagine you’re feeling nervous moments before a big event your heart is racing your hands are shaking it sounds silly but you can shift that nervousness towards excitement simply by making yourself smile tom actually uses this exact trick that’s my biggest and best piece of advice i ever got was from my first director and he basically said turn nerves into excitement and you can like use nerves as like a valuable tool to like be pumped up for everything now that said a forced smile can make you look nervous or uncomfortable so what do you do smile beforehand before an important phone call or in a car on the way to a date throw on some happy music and plaster a smile on your face it’ll feel weird at first but it’ll put you in a better mood and kill some nerves and obviously coming in with positive energy will help it go better too there’s a reason sales people have been teaching smile before you dial for decades but you won’t always have the chance to prime yourself for nerve-wracking situations sometimes you’re just put on the spot like when you’re asked a question and don’t know how to respond most people fear awkward silences so when they aren’t sure how to respond to a question they fill the silence with filler words like um or ah which makes you seem nervous but silence can be thoughtful rather than awkward for example watch tom when jimmy asks a potentially awkward question about how he pays his brother does he ever come and say hey i’d like to i’d like a raise maybe maybe this is a super easy point so we’ll make it quick when you pause to think about a question look up and away rather than down if you pause and look down it can make you look uncomfortable then your discomfort can make other people feel uncomfortable around you if you pause and look up and to the side it just makes it seem like you’re thinking without any feelings of awkwardness pausing before you answer a question can also help make your response funnier you uh how old were you when you’re in your first uh movie the movie with uh naomi watts i would have been about 13 14 13 or 14 years yeah did you ever at any time consider doing something else for a living i didn’t but my parents did [Music] if you want to learn more about the power of a pause in comedy we’ll link to our dave chappelle video at the end of this one another reason you get nervous when answering questions is that you’re trying to give a right answer you worry if you say the first true answer that pops into your head you may embarrass yourself or be judged this is especially true for embarrassing stories which we’ll touch on next and for things that are potentially vulnerable many people incorrectly think that admitting vulnerable emotions shows weakness so they lie or get defensive this next clip is hilarious but it’s also not too far from how some people actually act are you crying what’s that are you crying am i crying no i’m not crying you’re crying it’s okay to cry people cry it’s great but i’m not crying i’m not a crier i don’t cry i you know i work out for some people being vulnerable is hard if you don’t feel comfortable sharing vulnerable things about yourself then you can steal a little trick from tom he actually used to have the same aversion to crying as starsky i went through a phase where i’d never cry about anything and now i reckon i cry four times a week i don’t cry four times a week but i cry a lot starts crying now no i don’t cry that much i cry like all the time tom bounces between sharing and joking and every time he seems like he’s backtracking he doubles down i think bob said you cried on the phone is that i weeped you did you no i didn’t we i did yeah you did a little bit yeah no i was really emotional because i felt like it was all coming to an end it was it was bad news it really was bad news no we i don’t know you don’t have to do this there’s nothing wrong with sharing without joking but if it’s not natural for you yet then humor is a great first tool for charismatically sharing now you may be asking why is being vulnerable even charismatic if you can admit vulnerable emotions with a positive attitude you earn respect because you’re sharing something many people would be scared to share it also helps your internal confidence because you’re training yourself to realize there’s no emotion you have to hide or pretend you don’t feel once you’ve mastered these tips you no longer have to be afraid of being emotional embarrassed or awkward around others instead you can use these past embarrassing moments as inspiration for charismatic storytelling for example listen to tom share a story from shooting stunts in the most recent spider-man so zendaya would land and i’m the superhero i’m supposed to look cool and she would land and then i would sort of land like this and my feet would swing from underneath me and then she would catch me [Laughter] we’ve said it before but telling embarrassing stories is a great way to showcase your own confidence in our last video on tom holland we mentioned a few tricks for this activate confident body language choose high impact words and embody your characters that last point is one we’ve made in several videos but it can be intimidating after all if you’re not a professional actor like tom holland how can you act out all the characters in your stories the easiest thing is to act out your past self that should be easy since you’re always acting like you anyway the trick is to realize that the bumbling nervousness of the past can be the thing that makes you charismatic in the present so just reenact your nerves for example watch how tom shows the excitement and panic he felt when he met robert downey jr and i see robert downey jr i go up to him i shake his hand nice to meet you and i’m starting to panic right i’m like oh my god and i’m looking at him in the face sort of going there’s something different about you in person here’s another example this time with tom acting out his nervousness from meeting madonna now the whole way on the way over there i’m going what do i say hello i had no idea what to say so i get up there and i go hello you can make your story funnier simply by reenacting the emotions you were feeling at the time and any emotion works you don’t have to limit yourself to just stories where you are nervous for a quick example in this next clip tom acts out excitement and then surprise this girl walks into the sea she’s gorgeous and she’s walking over and i’m like here you go bro here you go here we go and she breezes right past me say hello and she goes over to sam she goes oh my god are you timothy chalamet and he was like yes that story is so much better because rather than just tell the story in past tense and third person it’s told in present tense and tom acts out three different people in 15 seconds and you can see the acting doesn’t have to be academy award-winning any attempt to change your body language or voice will make your story more interesting even a bad impression can make people laugh and love being around you if you commit to it if that seems too over the top don’t worry you can start by using the easiest type of emotion a surprised pause someone comes up to me and they’ll be like oh my god you’re spider-man hey and i’m like hello how are you and they go you’re english they paired me with um a kid called arun and i was supposed to be his brother or something like that and arun is an indian kid and when i came in everyone’s like your brother and we’re like yeah we’re just distant brothers from you know but he called and he said listen you know we want to workshop this like a real broadway production i’m like cool that’s great then he’s like also you might want to start working out because um you have trapeze rehearsals when you get here and i want to use the sun double as little as possible now there’s one more thing i want to talk about in this video that doesn’t tie directly to the title but it’s just a fantastic habit that tom has that will help you be more charismatic and more liked tom casually defends the people in his life if someone tries to elevate him above them so now you mentioned your brother is your brother here with you tonight he’s backstage yeah he’s he’s i met your brother last time yes you did yeah i’m curious as you know i’m always curious as what the brother because he works for you well i really work for him if i’m honest remember when jaden smith fangirled so hard over meeting tom holland because i sometimes forget that this actually happened i wouldn’t say that he fangirled over me i mean i was as excited to meet him as he was to meet me i’ve been a big fan of his for a long time i love his music as well ironically tom’s disinterest in making himself seem above his friends makes him look extremely confident in himself also long term the people in your life will love you if they know you have their backs when they aren’t around now whether you want to be confident because you’re looking for a new mentor more friends or more dates there’s obviously a lot more to that than just what we’ve covered so far you have to know how to start a conversation how to hook them in the first few minutes so they want to learn more about you and then build a real connection so they want to see you again if you want a step-by-step guide that lays out how to quickly master those skills you may like our program charisma university it’s the fastest way i know to become both confident and charismatic you can read all the details in the link below but i figure the strongest way to let you know what it’s about is just to let the members speak for themselves so here are a few of the things that cu members have written in this first one is from someone who says their social life has transformed they wrote i am significantly more confident in social situations the connection i feel with strangers and close friends and family alike have dramatically increased i transitioned from someone who never got asked to hang out regularly to multiple people texting me on a daily basis many people have openly expressed their admiration for me and i get a lot more positive attention i’ve grown so much because of this course and i can’t thank you enough this next one comes from a guy who’s been making new relationships before going through charisma university i didn’t know how to bring energy to a group and i was terrible at meeting new people everything in my life has improved after cu from loving myself and others to creating and developing amazing external relationships there’s so much more joy in my life and cu has been a huge reason for it and this last one comes from a guy who joined after a breakup he says thank you so much for charisma university i thought after completing this course i’d become a smooth talker and be able to take over any room what i didn’t realize is i’d get that and feel so confident in myself i feel liberated thank you for creating this course if you want to join but you’re not sure if it’s right for you you should know it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee that means you can get a full refund for any reason at all it’s 60 days even though the course is only 30 days because we want to make sure that every single member truly feels like they’re getting massive value from the course if not you can get your full investment back if you want to learn more go ahead and click the link on screen now or below in the description we’ve had thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it and i would love for you to do the same either way i really hope you enjoyed this video and i look forward to seeing you in the next one you

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43 Comments

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  1. Tom is the best 😂💕 I didn’t know who he was when he really gained popularity and was annoyed seeing so many articles about him. But then a video of an interview popped up and I immediately went into a rabbit hole of interviews 😆 Now it’s happened again with this video and I’m not mad about it.

  2. 1. Expand in awkward situations
    a. resist the urge to shrink and look down and talk down to yourself when you make a mistake
    b. your reaction should communicate the you are unfazed
    c. Don’t try to hide his mistake, you can call It out and find humor in it
    d. Your body language communicates whether people will laugh with you or at you
    2. Use your mind-body connection to shift nervous energy into excitement.
    a. Smile and play happy music to redirect energy.
    3. Transform awkward pause into thoughtful pause
    a. Pause and look up to communicate that you are thinking
    4. Bounce between sharing and joking
    a. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerability, can lessen the intensity by adding in jokes
    b. vulnerable emotions can earn you respect
    5. Tell embarrassing stories
    a. Use embarrassing, emotional, or awkward moments as inspiration for charismatic storytelling
    b. Activate confident body language
    c. choose high impact words
    d. embody your characters
    6. Commit to your stories and impressions
    a. an easy and funny impression to nail is the surprised pause
    7. Defend the people in your life when theyre not around
    a. Maintains integrity and your disinterest in looking better than your peers and friends makes you looks confident

  3. Insecurity means one has put more effort into how "others" view them.. which is nonsensical because it doesn't help at all. So why be sad about how other people can view you but you could never know for sure. Where is the benefit?

  4. initial answers to the fill the blanks

    1) i piss
    2) want, really good piss
    3) pissing and stopping urself pissing
    4) piss
    5) pissing stories
    6) piss, stick
    7) 'i pissed myself face'

    i need a piss

  5. I literally do half of these and i thought i wasn’t a confident person
    I’m just shy and not that outspoken
    What should i do to help me speak my mind and not be such a people pleaser?

  6. I don't know of I'm the only one here, but he snuck in a Tom Hanks in there and Pretended it was Tom Holland. You're not fooling anyone! We know the differences between people named Tom!

  7. that tiny spiderman is so adorable wow n childish (in a good way and full if light like a little child i mean 🥰😮😮😲😲😲 so adorable little adult

  8. This stuff should be taught in school at every grade level
    I feel like people have lost touch and don’t know how to communicate anymore so everything’s just awkward lol
    Would explain why we feel so divided, in a technological world where we are all connected

  9. As someone who is awkward most of the time, the first tip comes naturally for people like us. It's a way to survive socially. Making people laugh can make an awkward person more likeable. Great tip.