5 Common Habits That Make You Unlikeable


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Paul Rudd is almost universally well-liked and after watching his most recent hot ones interview I realized he makes an excellent example of some of the most fundamental and easy-to-implement charisma principles but nonetheless most people just skip so in this video we will be covering those five core principles and what you can do to make sure you’re not one of the people who are getting it wrong our first point has to do with touch as we’ve often discussed in previous breakdowns physical contact is a direct way to communicate that you care about someone but too often nowadays we pass up on the initial chances to make that sort of contact skipping a handshake or hug to opt instead for a fist bump or a wave it may feel proper the first time that we meet someone but before long we’ve known someone for months and still feel awkward about any sort of friendly touch Paul Rudd though shows what happens when you don’t let that pattern play out like here I wish that someone would lean on my shoulder like that someday and here with jeremy renner now those are obviously big and more intimate moments of touching but the initial point stands in order to get to this point don’t pass up on the chance to initially friendly touching in those first interactions so stand up out of your chair when someone walks into the room give a handshake or even a hug and then as the relationship develops that can develop into shoulder squeezes back Pat’s or even full-on hugs and we have a ton more about touching in our video on Chris Hemsworth’s and Oprah which I will link to in the description but these clips actually show another element of Paul’s charm which is that when given the chance he chooses to joke positively about other people for example this let’s go back to that clip of Paul leaning his head on Scarlett’s shoulder and take a look at what happens next it didn’t feel as real as a weird angle I couldn’t I couldn’t now after scarlet teases herself Paul has two options he could either follow it up by teasing her in turn or he could go the opposite way by turning the joke around and of course he goes for the option that elevates Scarlett by shifting the fault towards himself you need a much beefier head here’s another example notice how Paul chooses to validate the two hosts in response to Conan’s self-deprecating joke instead of accepting the jokes premise as it stands I congratulate you you are in the sexiest man alive issue that’s okay we stepped aside this year so that you and again here’s Paul responding to a joke about only being there to promote a movie by expressing his affection for the host so you’re being a team player you want to promote this film you want to get it out there in the proper way I hear you Paul you know it’s it’s it’s it’s it’s about you rich the point of all these clips is that while playful teasing can be charming on occasion amongst friends opting for more supportive forms of humor makes people more drawn to your positivity and your friendliness so the next time a clever joke is on the tip of your tongue ask yourself does this elevate someone or does it put them down even if it’s just in a joking manner if it’s the latter try instead to comically exaggerate that person’s positive attributes which can get you the same amount of laughter while making them like you even more now this takes us to the next point which also has to do with raising others up through humor but this time it’s about supporting other people’s jokes no matter how good or lousy a joke may be on its own having two people play off one another creates a back-and-forth dynamic that can turn even a simple joke into a hilarious running gag even so most people tend to focus on coming up with their own jokes missing many potential opportunities to build on the jokes of others Paul though seems keen to jump on the end of jokes that don’t go over so well to make something of those jokes like here with Sean Eva’s cauliflower wings I’d like to point out yours as much neater than mine that’s falling off the board I like it it looks like an abstract painting well you want to see an abstract painting but Jackson Pollock yeah when we’re done shooting this segment Paul prevents the joke from falling flat and validates Shawn for coming up with it now of course it’s always easier to joke around with people that you know well so the best example of Paul supporting other people’s jokes come from the press junket for Avengers with Jeremy Renner the dynamic usually consists of Jeremy making a joke and then Paul building on it like here so I’m very excited she’s moving into my face it’s my excited face you can see that people really crack up once Paul takes that joke to the next level and sometimes all it takes to do this is to mirror someone’s position for a bit of physical comedy like here it’s been building on other people’s jokes makes you a fun person to be around but that’s not the main reason that it is such a charming habit it’s because having our jokes fall flat can be quite embarrassing even humiliating at times so when someone supports even the most dud of a joke that you might make you will really appreciate that person which means that when you’re out with people you spend time with like friends or colleagues instead of focusing on one upping their jokes in order to get attention for yourself look for opportunities to build on their jokes and make them feel good you can even save a joke that is failing in front of a group which will make them appreciate you a ton but of course the most straightforward way to validate people and make them feel good is to compliment them and that brings us to the next thing that we can learn from Paul about direct and genuine compliments now obviously compliments can on occasion make people feel self-conscious or embarrassed and in previous breakdowns we’ve talked about breaking that tension that might be created by adding a joke after words like this nice I like that dress a flattering foot well I’m a creepy pair of you guys that might have given you the impression that you can’t just give a genuine compliment but that is definitely not the case simple direct compliments can be very well received especially when they are earned specific in nature and pertain to something that the other person identifies with watch here as Paul compliments Sean Evans after his hot ones interview I must say though it’s a great idea it’s a great construct for an interview thank you I think you’re an excellent interview let’s go through that checklist this compliment is earned since it does come after the interview it’s fairly specific since he’s complimenting Sean’s interviewing skills though mentioning a particular question could probably make Sean feel even better and it relates to Sean’s identity because he created hot ones and presumably works very hard on it if Paul had genuinely complimented his choice of clothing that might not have meant a lot to him though it would in the case of someone who spends a lot of time thinking about fashion the point is that when complimenting someone directly you can get the most bang for your buck if you check these three boxes and the best way to put this into practice is by simply getting in the habit of complimenting someone out loud whenever you think a positive thought in your head it’ll give you a great opportunities to practice during the day and it’ll help push your comfort zone now this isn’t say you always have to check all three boxes in fact an area where less specific compliments can still be highly appreciated is when speaking about someone who isn’t present like here and then he gave me a pair of headphones Wow alone I love all of these people as that guy cracks me up he’s the best he’s the best guy when you talk about people who were absent in a positive way you avoid that tension from the direct compliment entirely since the recipient isn’t there but more importantly you’re showing that you have positive things to say about people even when you’re away from them that you’re not the type of person who is only going to be gossiping as soon as someone turns their back and trust me the people who are present will notice now this takes us to yet another way that Paul makes people feel good and that’s by turning questions around as a celebrity he often finds himself as the center of attention especially during interviews but instead of just going with the flow he likes to invert that social dynamic by sometimes turning the interview around and asking questions of his own to the interviewer like can I ask you some questions whatever you want because I think that you are the most fascinating character within this set up how many of these have you done are you from Chicago originally right that’s restarted young thanks I’m sorry are you a sports fan you like bears got a brother his sisters I do have a younger brother named Gavin Gavin do now hot ones is a more open interview format but you also see it with Paul from time to time on standard television appearances in radio broadcasts what’s one of yours what’s an unpopular opinion that you this doesn’t only apply to celebrities during interviews when you find yourself at the center of attention try to see if someone in your social group is being left out of the conversation and then ask them a question it could be the one that was just asked of you when you’re inclusive towards other people it shows that you’re willing to share the spotlight and that makes people enjoy your company more and you can apply the same principle to people in service roles who might be expected to ask about you and instead you just turn the question on them to your barber doctor waiter or waitress now this brings us to the mindset that ties everything together so far whatever we’ve talked about has been about showing consideration towards other people be it through affectionate touch support of humor complimenting them or putting them into the spotlight and we all kind of know these things but might find it hard nonetheless because we see being special as a zero-sum game of course we all want to be special and because we might not feel it often enough we can become quietly competitive in conversations steamrolling other people’s stories baiting for people to compliment us or withholding kindness until someone has given it to us we subtly fight for recognition and the validation that we crave now none of this needs to be overtly hostile but it all comes at the expense of others since we can’t all be in the spotlight at the same time as paradoxical as it may seem one of the best ways to get other people to think you are special is to find ways to put others in the spotlight the examples in this video are a great start and perhaps the best way to get the positive feeling that comes from being special is to drop the need to feel special in the first place that’s what genuine confidence looks like it’s feeling good about yourself whether you just made the whole room crack up or someone else did then you won’t be tempted to have covert competitions in interactions elevating others becomes natural because it costs you nothing even better it doesn’t detract from your position but quietly enhances it and if you’re interested in the fastest way that I know of to build this social confidence and charisma I would definitely recommend checking out our program charisma University it’ll give you the step by step daily guidance on how to become more confident and charismatic in just 30 days time now you can read all about that in the link below but as usual I like to let you know what the course is about by letting the members speaks for themselves so here are just a few things that past Cu members have written in first thanks so much for creating charisma University this is a game changer that changed how I approached my boss my peers and strangers it gave me the guts to stand up for myself and others start a business and engage with others even after the 30 day program I still feel like there is so much track to run on and I’m just getting started this next one comes from a guy who says charisma diversity helped his dating life and he says hi Charlie firstly loving your course I have cherry picked a few things for example the filter lesson in the conversation section this one lesson completely changed my life I’ve liked someone for over a year now but never thought much of it because I thought she was just too pretty took your lessons gave things a shot and now we are dating and this last one comes from someone who started a new job saying I wanted to let you know that I nailed those first days at work everything that I needed was right there at the moment the confidence the energy the smile the positive mindset and with all your tips from last Tuesday in mind it could just not go wrong and he finishes by saying I wanted to emphasize that what I did the previous day’s would not even have come to my mind if I had not discovered that charisma is a skill that can be learned thanks to your YouTube channel and university program and you can see more success stories like those in the comments if you decide to join the course if you do join it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee 100% for any reason at all no hoops to jump through no secret requirements like some other online courses have you can go through the entire program and if you decide that it wasn’t worth that you can get your money back that’s how confident we are that you will be thrilled that you joined so if you want to check out the course just go ahead click the link on screen now or below in the description we’ve had over 5000 members join the program and get a ton out of it and I would love for you to do the same either way I hope that you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next [Music]

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24 Comments

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  1. Treat people how you want to be treated. Love Others as you love yourself. Be Generous with everything you are and everything you have. Be confident in your identity.
    – Jesus

  2. Heres a question, what do you say after giving someone a complement? Like I sometimes tell a stranger I like their outfit, they say thank you, and then we just stand there….

  3. it's interesting how these videos emphasize touch so much, because i live in north america, but people don't touch each other very often unless they're already actual friends; it'd be considered weird and invasive where i live

  4. For people who are trying to learn from this video trying to be better, my takeaway is balancing your charisma and self-care especially the introverts that may feel burnout after trying too hard to make others happy.

    It is important to prioritize your own well-being and take care of yourself, even if it means not always being able to uplift those around you. It is okay to take a step back and recharge when you feel mentally tired. It is important to acknowledge your own limits and boundaries, and not force yourself to be charismatic or outgoing when you don't feel like it.

    If you find yourself consistently feeling burnt out, it may be helpful to evaluate why you feel the need to always be charismatic and if there are underlying issues that need to be addressed. It may also be helpful to establish healthy boundaries and communicate them to those around you so that they understand when you need time to yourself.

    Remember, being genuine and authentic in your interactions with others is more important than forcing yourself to be charismatic. Focus on building genuine connections with those around you, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable and honest about your own needs and limitations.

    Remember that not everyone has the same personality or character and we don't have to try to be someone else in order to fit in. Instead of focusing what you are lacking, try to focus on what you are good at. The values that you bring to others differ from every other person and that makes it ok.