“Do This & Never Argue With Your Partner Again” | Jordan Peterson


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a real relationship is a wrestling match it’s a grappling it’s a grappling phenomena that you both emerge transformed from and that’s what people want they don’t want to push over not not unless there’s something wrong with them conflict avoided is conflict delayed and magnified and so it was a cross-temper mental learning process for me I had to learn to work against my temperament in order to engage in conflict that was necessary when it was necessary you want someone I think in a relationship that you can spar with and it’s partly because [Music] you have hard problems to solve and if the person that you’re with isn’t willing to put forward their opinion then you only have half the cognitive power that you would otherwise have you know and hopefully you find someone who’s interestingly different from you like not so different that you can’t communicate and you have to be careful of that but interestingly different and then hopefully they have the ability and the will to express their opinion and then your interest stays heightened and there has to be that tension in a relationship you know people think well I want to get along perfectly with my partner it’s like no you you probably don’t you just get bored and then you go looking for trouble and so you want a little bit of trouble in the relationship and a little bit of mystery and a little bit of combativeness and and the ability to exchange opinions forthrightly and one of the rules was and this has been a rule that Tammy and I have used in our whole relationship is like do not agree to something you don’t agree to because the worst thing is is you negotiate out a settlement and the person decides they’re going to implement it but really they’re resentful about it because they didn’t want to have any conflict and then their crab be about it every time they do it and they do a terrible job and they’re irritated about it and that lasts forever if you can’t run away then you can solve your problems because it might be okay well I’m stuck with you so how about we fix things because the alternative is we’re going to be in a boxing match for the next 40 years that’s the alternative so and you think you’re going to fix problems without something like that hanging over your head there isn’t a chance you’ll just avoid them because that’s what people do I do believe that that spark that’s outside of voluntary control is a necessary precondition for a long-lasting relationship I do believe though that if it’s there you still have to work very hard to maintain it you know what do you want from a partner fundamentally what what do you want need you’re blessed with the fact that you find each other attractive and I think it’s very difficult for the relationship too begin or proceed or sustain itself without that well you want someone that you can trust you want someone that you can build a view of the future with and you want someone that you can negotiate with and that’s very hard to negotiate with people because they have to tell you what they think they have to know what they want or figure it out they have to tell you what they want they have to be satisfied and when they get what they want which is also a very difficult thing to manage and you have to continually update that because your life goes through different stages and people also don’t understand because they tend to think that that all romantic interactions should be spontaneous it’s like well if that’s your theory then you might as well just give up right now if you’re going to get married because that like the only reason you can think that is because you don’t have enough responsibility to make romantic entanglement virtually impossible and what happens when you’re married especially when you have little kids is that and and you both have a job let’s say is you’re so busy that the probability that you’re going to find time for spontaneous Mutual interaction is decreases to zero and so if that’s what you’re hoping for then you’re never going to have it and so what you have to do is you have to make time for each other and when you’re establishing a relationship well you put some effort into it you know you you decide that you’re going to go out for dinner and you dress up to some degree and you know you try to present yourself to each other in some half ways acceptable manner but then people somehow think that once they’re married that the same amount of effort isn’t necessary and that’s wrong I would say war effort is necessary on the same front and you have to think it through it’s like you know if you don’t want to be bitter about the intimate element of your relationship how much time do you have to spend together each week and my my rule of thumb sort of derived from Clinical observations is that you need to spend 90 minutes a week with your partner talking and that means you’re telling each other about your life and staying in touch you know so that you each know what the other is up to and you’re discussing what needs to be done to keep the household running smoothly and you’re laying out some mutually acceptable vision of how the next week or the next months are going to go together right so that that keeps your narratives locked together like a like the strands in a rope you need that for 90 minutes or you drift apart and you need to spend intimate time together at least once a week and probably more like twice and that has to be negotiated and if you don’t negotiate it and if you don’t make it a priority then it won’t happen in all likelihood and then well well then you don’t have it and that’s a catastrophe because there’s not that many things in life that are you know intrinsically what would you say engaging and meaningful and pleasurable and also bonding all of that and if you let that go then well part of you dies and part of the relationship dies and if I offered everything I could to a partner who would I be you work on that ask that question just ask just ask yourself okay okay what do they want clean that’s not a bad start reasonably good physical shape so healthy productive generous honest the harder you work on offering other people what they need and want the more people will line up to play with you so it’s the wrong question it’s like how can I be the best partner possible and then you think well if I do that people will just take advantage of me and that’s the non-naive objection right because the naive persons think well I’ll be good and everyone will treat me right it’s like the cynic says they’ll all be good and someone will take me out and then you think well what do you do about that objection and the answer is well you factor that in that’s why you’re supposed to be what is it soft as a dove and as wise as a serpent it’s like I know you’re full of snakes I know it maybe I know it more than you do but we’ll play anyways what’s so cool about that is that even though the person you’re dealing with is full of snakes if you offer your hand in trust and it’s real you will evoke the best in them

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  1. Great insights, Jordan! Conflict avoided is definitely conflict delayed and magnified. I agree that couples should be able to exchange opinions forthrightly to maintain interest and tension in the relationship. Your emphasis on mutual trust, negotiation, and effort in maintaining a long-lasting relationship is spot on. Looking forward to more of your videos!