The Dark Side Of Mainstream Dating Advice


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almost all of our expectations about love and relationships have been set by Hollywood the problem is that these movies are putting absurd ideas into our minds about what love really looks like which can lead to some boneheaded decision making maybe even ruining what could have been a great relationship so in this video we’re going to look at eight ways that Hollywood ruins your relationships and a caveat here this goes against romantic conventional wisdom that is often espoused by friends family and Instagram quotes and I shared in the hopes that it improves the quality of your relationships even though a major theme is that I’m trying to take you off of love’s roller coaster which actually brings us to the first point and the title of the video movies train us to substitute emotional intensity for emotional quality this is the bipolar nature of Hollywood romance you can think about it from a scale of negative 10 to positive 10 and a Hollywood romance lives at the extremes for instance the Beast is awful to bail kidnapping her and then they have their beautiful fans then they have to fight for love and finally they are reunited in the notebook Noah and Allie are head-over-heels in love then painfully separated then reunited with tons of drama to spare and this scene displays it well visually [Music] but despite their differences they had one important thing in common the biggest offender here is probably Twilight there are too many whiplash moments in the series to count and the entire series is about the rush and obsession that comes with being together followed by the suicidal depression that the characters experience when they’re torn apart now the list goes on and on but the point is that these relationships are driven not by positive experiences but by drama as defined by the dramatic reversal of fortune and to be fair this goes back way before Hollywood Romeo and Juliet the most well known romance of all time is a story about two 13 year olds who’ve known each other for five days before deciding to commit suicide when they can’t be together now you may inadvertently be chasing the same rollercoaster relationships and passing up on the ones that are just consistently good thinking that if there isn’t drama there must not be love and you would be better served to aim for a genuine lack of drama in your relationships something that would make for an uninteresting movie can make for an incredible relationship now our second point has to do with how we find our partners most movies pander to the fantasy that despite how bumbling awkward and uninteresting others may find you the perfect person will magically take interest because they see the real you deep inside take fifty Shades of Grey for example where a 27 year old self-made billionaire takes special interest in a socially awkward college student that’s interviewing him for the school paper the roles are reversed in the girl next door where the beautiful and spontaneous Danielle literally shows up on Matthews doorstep to take him on crazy adventures despite the fact that he demonstrates nothing interesting about himself I mean it’s hard to tell you know because we’ve just done so much nuts stuff I mean it’s just the fantasy here is that without changing anything your dream guy or girl will pluck you up and whisk you into a magical life now the truth which we all encounter every single day is that no one is going to pick you if you’re morose or uninteresting if you want someone the spontaneous fun-loving or accomplished your best bet is to put in the effort to become that type of person otherwise you won’t even catch their eye when your paths do cross another early relationship trope that you will see is love first site and it looks like this and it’s no mistake that in every version of this trope from The Little Mermaid to Twilight or The Notebook the person that’s being seen is impossibly beautiful which is your first clue that love at first sight has far more to do with fleeting attraction than with long-lasting love now unfortunately this makes us incredibly prone to mistaking attraction for love in our own lives then like our favorite movies we ignore the wise advice of our friends and justify sacrificing our values and goals in the name of love despite the swelling music that frequently accompanies these scenes don’t be fooled it’s not romantic and attractive to be googly eyed for someone that you don’t yet know it’s shallow and it’s a disservice to the friends and the family who have probably been there for you your entire life now one particular symptom of buying into the trope of love at first sight is the refusal to take no for an answer which is our fourth point love in Hollywood is proven by ignoring rejection here’s the notebooks Noah asking Allie for instance to dance after seeing her just for a few seconds now it would be fine if this was the end of it but no of course goes on to threaten suicide if alley won’t go on a date with him and while she does give in in that scene she winds up still avoiding him which makes sense but of course Noah tracks her down in the street and presses her further these are the behaviors of a stalker and we see it romanticized in several other films the pop culture detective has an entire video on this stalking as love trope alone other times the rejection that we see takes the form of self disqualification where the person says that they would make for a terrible partner here’s Natalie Portman in those strings attached clearly signaling that she’s not interested in a loving relationship but of course the romantic plot insists that Ashton ignore her which of course works out in the end part of Edward Collins entire mysterious appeal is that he says outright that he’s not a good match in the real world do yourself a favour when someone tells you that they’re bad for you we’re not ready for a relationship or just not interested take them at their word now of course every relationship will have its rough patches the standard way to handle these is our fifth crazy trope and it’s giving large unrequested gifts as a way to make amends i’ve picked on this movie a bunch already but the notebook is just a repeat offender so here it goes again for context know what dates Ally for one summer when they are 17 years old they separate and over ten years pass then Noah sees Allie and discovers that she’s happily engaged to her wonderful fiance so Noah completely rebuilds the house where they lost the virginity in an attempt to win Allie back because the plot demands it this works they live happily ever after similarly John Cusack blasted a boombox over his head to get back with his girlfriend and say anything and public declarations of love like in Crazy Stupid Love are commonplace in these films the problem here is twofold first if you’ve ended a relationship with someone it gives the impression that a grand gesture should be grounds for reconsideration which of course ignores the fact that many people can be great at grand gestures and completely weak on the day-to-day joy that makes relationship worth having in the first place the other issue is that we learn to pursue partners who won’t accept a simple heartfelt apology when we’ve done wrong we joke that someone might be in the doghouse without recognizing that their partner is holding the relationship ransom pending the delivery of a large often expensive gift so when a partner won’t forgive you are better off apologizing and then granting them the space they’ve requested rather than trying to Hollywood your way back into their life and I mentioned to Ally’s fiance in the last bit which is our sixth point and it’s that according to Hollywood pursuing someone who is currently in a relationship is romantic and not at all doomed to failure we see this in the Titanic wedding crashers even Casino Royale though of course it’s treated less romantically in his case on one-time it’s not in the wedding singer it’s made even worse by the fact that Adam Sandler is supposed to be helping Drew Barrymore in her wedding not wrecking it now any sort of moral compunction for breaking up a pre-existing couple is avoided in these films usually by making the significant other and irredeemable jerk wedding crashers makes Zach a complete caricature of a prep school jerk a cheatin entitled s but it’s not solely on behalf of the other guy or gal that you don’t want to spend time trying to break up existing couples it’s because it’s very tough to feel secure in a relationship with someone who you know is willing to betray their partner there are so many singles out there and focusing on someone that’s unavailable only reinforces a scarce mindset when it comes to finding love which brings us to our next point suffering dependents self-sacrifice are all treated as indicators of love in fact there are often tests of love like in a knight’s tale where joseline insists that William lose repeated jousts in order to prove his love to her this is not without consequence as William is injured to the point of being unable to walk afterwards according to Twilight the only way that you know a relationship is real as if you suffered deeply afterwards the teenage Bella sits for a month’s long depression after Edwards leaves and affirms this point even the sisterly love and frozen is defined by the willingness to sacrifice one’s own life what’s common to all these scenarios is that love is proven by pain and if you buy into that it’s exactly what you’ll create in your relationships you’ll make opportunities for yourself and your partner to suffer as a testament to love but there is another view on love that it’s marked by acceptance joy and mutual growth that love can be so transformative that even when a relationship ends both parties are happier better people for having experienced it and rather than codependence with a beloved individual love could be marked by a more positive approach to all of life such that it weren’t meaningless if that person were gone for some reason but of course that lacks dramatic swings so we don’t see it on-screen and this takes us to the crux of all of this what I believe is the most serious problem in so many of our movies songs and novels it’s that a romantic relationship is the de-facto solution to the problem of life specifically that we so often feel alone and incomplete Hercules says it here and the most romantic scene in Jerry Maguire is him reaffirming this point you complete me you had me at hello now these movies deserve credit because they do get something right something does feel like it’s missing for many people but the answer is not necessarily romance in fact these movies often overlook what is probably a more foundational piece for instance family is often denigrated Hercules gives up his family for a woman who was mostly lied to him and manipulated him erielle leaves her family behind after only three days with Prince Erik when she didn’t even speak to him similarly friends are often ignored or viewed as buffoonish impediments to the true prize of romantic love now this isn’t to say that intimate relationships are always bad that can be wonderful but the protagonists willingness in these movies to give up their friends and family is a cop out of one of Love’s most important lessons that it can heal and improve the sometimes difficult relationships with the people we’ve known the longest instead Hollywood would have a search for new magical significant others than understanding forgiving and loving our families and friends but beyond even friends and family there is a deeper lesson that’s not emphasized in most movies and is that self-love is the foundation of a happy life and of a happy relationship this means that instead of relying on others to fill you up you give yourself the love and acceptance you’ve been conditioned to expect from a romantic partner you learn to not feel lonely in your own company to feel complete when you’re not tied to someone else and this allows you to let go of the narrow view of romantic love they would see you made lovesick for longing of a particular individual and it opens up the possibility for a view of life and love that is less romantic buts more heartwarming the king of rom-coms Hugh Grant says it the best if you look for it I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around journey to inner self-confidence that makes you feel totally secure and that naturally attracts others of course can take time but it is absolutely worth it not only because it helps you effortlessly attract amazing relationships friendships and career opportunities but also for the confidence that you feel even when you’re alone if you want to get started on that journey or speed it up tremendously I highly recommend checking out our flagship program charisma university charisma university is a simple step-by-step guided course that is 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37 Comments

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  1. For God sake, it's a humble request to you that leaves the habit of robotic speaking, it feels annoying. Ain't you bothering? Give some space between phrases. Let be absorbed in the brain

  2. It may have been beneficial for Hollywood to include a disclaimer that all the dating stuff in movies and even TV shows is fictional and not meant to be used as dating advice in advance if that's what the Americans are concerned about. That way Hollywood isn't making incels think that partners use "AHHH GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!!" to get out of the relationship.

    In either case, the damage was already done since incels will continue to do horrific acts against their partners.

  3. My mom is that way. Her second husband tried to cut her with a knife and she thinks it was passion. And has the audacity to tell me MY marriage is boring -_- ( it is, indeed, violence-free and very low drama)

  4. I’ve never enjoyed romantic movies, and my girl friends think I’m crazy because all girls are supposed to love them. Just makes the stories more cringy, knowing other women enjoy these films.

  5. I was just thinking about this after watching your video about steady/fearful/anxious person … and I’m like I always pick the bad ones cause I don’t have a good role model of relationships and I blame that on movies haha cause I want a lot of movies. So I need to see this video thanks

  6. My husband and I got to know each other at a bus stop and it kind of was love at first sight. There was a guy on a bike asking for directions so we got to talk. Then we took the bus (seperately) and went to the same club where we saw each other again and he asked for my number. When he went home with his friends he was singing "I have a new girlfriend" lol so he texted me, we went on a date and that's the story. lol it's been 13 years already, we're married for 7 years and we've got 2 kids now. It really was like from a movie lol

  7. I'm 37 now. My last relationship was at 25 or 26, I went through depression and slowly climbed out of it and into a fulfilling life. Still single. My conception of romance and love has changed, matured. I'm not looking for the emotional high anymore… I'm looking for someone to settle down with. I'm looking for a best friend.

  8. My dude I love this channel but do you not know the story of Romeo and Juliet?
    They didn't decide to commit suicide together, it was an escape plan gone wrong. They did kill eachother but only because they thought the other one was dead.

  9. Since when we started taking movies as a source of knowledge about life (and not just fiction entertainment like they always were)?

    Nothing wrong with movies — its we who are f*ked up.

  10. 4 is kind of true, but not how it's framed in the video.

    Outright No means No, but there are many shades of nuance and changes sometimes. Many relationships are built up from initial rejection – it's not solely a fictional trope.

  11. I got too much to improve myself before complicating my life with another woman at this point. The one I had was the best I ever had and potentially ever will have. But, I wasn't where I needed to be mentally and I couldn't give her what she needed at that point and time. Plus, I don't know that it's be healthy for me to put so much energy into something when I was running low on said energy at the time. She could never truly respect or trust me because of my problems and as a result, could end up cheating and seeing other men, why should I subject myself to that? I need to just focus on myself and myself only. Not excluding my family and life long friends, they are part of me and who I am as well. Logic dictates that I continue to grow and strengthen myself as a person anyway.

  12. There really can’t be people, real actual humans, who had experience with other humans, who think that anything they see in romcoms/romantic films from Hollywood that can be applied to real life.