How To Connect With People If You Have Anxiety


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we all handle relationships in different ways and one powerful way to understand these differences is through the lens of attachment theory according to psychologists there are four main attachment styles which have profound effects on our relationships and in this video we’re gonna break down those different styles using iconic characters and show you how you can use this knowledge to improve your relationships with everyone around you the first type is the avoidant the avoidant is marked by their discomfort with deep connection and in real life you can think of the person who ghosts out of budding relationships or feels that any display of emotion is overkill you can see it in moments as simple as hugs that’s not a hug them just grab the door for you he’d come through even more subtly such as avoiding eye contact in situations where either person is likely to get emotional in this case we’re if Tony dubs Peter and Avenger for the first time which he knows is something that means the world to him this discomfort with connection can lead to rather creative ways to avoid it that go beyond just the physical one simple way is to invest much more in the beginning phases of a relationship than in the later phases this way the avoidant can enjoy the exciting aspects of relationships while escaping when that deeper connection threatens to form in fact avoidance can make for very charming daters but often for upsetting long-term partners in addition is simply disappearing another common tactic of the avoidant is to use humor to quickly defuse situations that might become too emotional it’s one of their most effective tactics because their fear of intimacy is well hidden behind smiles and sarcasm you see it for instance in Good Will Hunting when will trolls all of his therapists as they try to reach out to him rockets in flight afternoon to light as you see their avoidance can often be funny in a very irreverent way which makes us think that they’ve got everything under control they will also use that biting sense of humor to control others when they begin to open up to them they’re prone to shame any sort of display of emotion and return to the limited connection that they are much more comfortable with scratchers I guess you won cuz that was six years ago which happens dad’s leave no need to be a [ __ ] you better here’s what I need like all attachment types the avoidant is created in childhood something occurred that made the avoid an associate connection with pain hence the tremendous unconscious effort that they exert to escape it a typical story is that one or both parents were physically present but emotionally unavailable and Tony Stark typifies this childhood experience what do you remember about you did huh he was cold he was calculating he never told me he loved me and never even told me he liked me it’s only through a great effort in the later movies that we see Tony start to overcome this blockage that he has to connection which is good news if you are and avoiding yourself because you too can change one thing you can do today is to simply send a thank-you letter an email a text or better yet tell someone in person how much they mean to you and look them in the eye while you do it the second type is the anxious type and those are the inverse of the avoidant they fear the loss of connection now they’re often in relationships or hopping from one to another and the psychological reason for this is simple for an anxious type being without a cherished connection can feel like dying and it’s no mistake that they often describe it that way saying you’re my everything or the thought of not being with you I can’t breathe unconsciously anxious types sometimes use the pain of being without their loved one to control the person that they’re in a relationship with they make the other person fear their own suffering and they fear it so much that they might not break up with that person even if the relationship is failing other times they literally might threaten self-harm that this doesn’t happen always now in the notebook it is played as romantic but take this out of the Hollywood ization and you have a extremely unhealthy example of anxious style threats and obsession the notebook and star wars get another aspect of the anxious types romantic behaviors correct obsession can form before really even knowing an individual Noah threatens to kill himself after staring at Ali that is as long as they have seen one another in their lives anakin remains obsessed with Padme for years without even seeing her what is really happening in these situations if you’ve experienced something similar in your own life is that the anxious type is projecting an idealized image onto the object of their affection their low self-image can blind them to the flaws of others making them willing to change anything just to be close to that person I can do whatever you want you just tell me what you want do that for you unfortunately the anxious type slow self image also makes them suspect that that perfect object of their desire could never really want to be with them not for long anyway so even when they may be in a relationship with that person they tend to cling tightly eventually all that clinging turns to suspicion and they drive people away confirming what they’ve suspected all along deal with him you brought him here to kill me like the avoidant the reason anxious types are both needy of attention and expecting of abandonment goes back to childhood obviously there can be many factors but the loss of a cherished caretaker at a young age can cause this as we see with both anakin and peter parker who exhibits these to a smaller degree connection is felt to be valuable but impermanent and thus must always be safeguarded now if you are an anxious type a good stepping stone is to cultivate a hobby or skill that has nothing to do with relationships something that you can do by yourself having those style of things going on in your life makes it so that you don’t base your entire identity and self-worth simply on other people next up we have the fearful type and thankfully this type is very rare compared to the others making up roughly 2% of the population but it does combine the most challenging traits of the anxious and avoidant types they can be unpredictable and they find ways to sabotage the very things that they seem to want the most one of the main attributes of these fearful types is that they bounce between that anxious behavior like the people-pleasing that we see from nebula and endgame and the hatred and the fear that we see just a short time later in that time one you’re going to kill my father you dare to oppose me you see buddy you stir me into you you kill him I will help you destroy a thousand planets and though I previously mentioned him as an avoiding example as we see more of will in Good Will Hunting it becomes clear that he is truly a fearful type he displays avoidance early in his relationships and then extreme anxiety when Skylar invites him out to California to connect deeper he can’t believe that she would want to stay with him little fling with like the guy from the other side of town then you gonna go off to Stanford you’re gonna marry some rich prick who your parents will approve of and just sit around with the other trust fund babies and talk about how you went slumming to once will being a fearful type craves yet is uncomfortable with the affection that comes in a relationship which makes him lash out unpredictably at the people he cares the most about and we see his fear and anger boil over in this exact pattern if you’ve ever known someone who can’t seem to find a stable relationship no matter who they date who becomes more violent as they get closer to someone you may have witnessed a fearful type in action now in terms of childhood fearful types are often victims of trauma which may have included verbal physical or sexual abuse they may have felt that they had no one that they could rely on for love nebula for instance was torn apart and berated by Thanos her sister was pitted against her will was beaten by his foster dad after being abandoned and orphaned the fearful type has the most robust defense mechanisms because in their experience vulnerability means ultimate pain which means that in those rare emotional moments when the vulnerability is threatening to expose itself you can see just about every defense mechanism Under the Sun come back to back to back and Good Will Hunting did an excellent job of portraying this it’s not your fault it’s not your father now if this seems like you it is often the case that childhood trauma can be at the root of this issue and it’s best to move through these with professional guidance be sure though to find someone that you have some rapport with because Trust is a necessary piece of addressing these traumas lastly we have the secure type and unfortunately we don’t see a whole lot of these types in romantic movies because they don’t tend to be very dramatic they don’t cling or run and it’s because unlike all the other types the relationships of that secure type are not driven by fear that isn’t to say that they don’t feel fear they simply trust that they have the fortitude to deal with the inevitable heartache that comes from deeper connections you know what I’m afraid to [ __ ] I want to give it a shot and at least I’m honest with you secure types can trust others to see them in vulnerable moments because of an unconscious belief that they can open up without immediately being burned for it they’re also comfortable in conflict because they aren’t afraid of abandonment when they disagree with someone they tend to do so in a calm manner cap doesn’t have to raise his voice his tempo usually stays even and he doesn’t point fingers or throw his hands up in exasperation you chose to do that if we sign this we surrender our right to choose and when it comes to working with others they don’t have a one-size-fits-all solution they don’t need to be mindlessly independent or fearfully group oriented they can treat each situation separately deciding whether their goals are best suited by working alone or by relying on others how are you guys planning on beating them together the common thread with the secure type is that they are not reenacting their childhood trauma so they can treat each new relationship as it is they’re not just focused on whether or not there is a connection but on the quality of that connection they keep the good ones and discard the bad in the case of the relationship with Tony and Civil War cap doesn’t have to run back to him because he’s terrified of being alone neither does he have to cast him aside forever because he’s afraid of getting hurt in dead he apologizes first and he offers a path to reconciliation because he respects and trusts Tony’s moral compass I wish we agreed on the Accords I really do I know you’re doing what you believe in that’s all any of us can do that’s all any of us should know we don’t see much of Steve’s childhood in the MCU but you get the sense that he received ample love and consistently got his needs met he also had a long friendship with Bucky instead of the competitive relationship like nebula had with Gamora Bucky was always looking out for him showing him support when he most needed it Thank You buck but I can get by on my own the thing is you don’t have to I’m with you to the end of the line pal if you’re a secure type congratulations you’re doing well and you’ve probably had a strong upbringing but of course no one falls fully into any of these categories keep your eyes out for behaviors and motivations that might indicate anxious or avoidant tendencies and recognize that not being driven by fear doesn’t automatically mean you always act exactly like you might wish so brushing up on some other videos of ours regarding relationships couldn’t hurt so I hope this helped you learn about your relationship style and potentially to improve it quick announcement that we now have a podcast and it is not necessarily charisma related but hopefully still entertaining so if you want to check that out there’s a highlight channel linked below and of course here in the corner we’ll be uploading full podcast once we nail the format but for now it’s highlights also if you are interested in improving your relationship starting from the beginning you might want to check out a video that I made that explains the four emotions you want to create every time to make an amazing first impression create them in the right order you’re going to make an amazing impression and if you skip them do them out of order you might not so if you want to see what those four emotions are go ahead click the link below drop your email and check that video out today so you can start using it either way hope that you enjoyed this video and I look forward to seeing you in the next one [Music]

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23 Comments

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  1. Thx u so much for this, truly. U just helped me identify myself, an avoidant. I frequently use humor to avoid intense emotional situations and apall physical affection. I find it difficult to get close to ppl and believe any display of emotion will make me appear weak and vulnerable to more hurt, so I come across as cold and rough. I believe this is due to a childhood full of being deeply hurt by those I did get close to. thx u for helping me see this in myself.

  2. I THINK I'm avoidant (based on the subtle clue that at 34 I've never been in a relationship (not even a date))
    Truth is, I'm EXTREMELY introverted. I "enjoy" solitude the same way a fish "enjoys" water.
    And I'm afraid that being in a relationship means never having alone time ever again.