How To Stop Chasing Things That Make You Miserable


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when you’re trying to change your life it’s likely that your beliefs are the biggest obstacle that you face you can change your habits you change your behaviors but no matter what it can be like there’s an autopilot pulling you in the opposite direction now this was actually a question that came up on our podcast from someone who didn’t want to be chasing money in prestige but found themselves pulled towards those things even though they weren’t making them happy and I thought that the answer might be useful to you here now this is actually a clip from the podcast as I mentioned and if you enjoy these on the main channel you can let me know and if you don’t let me know in the comments as well either way here you go so Ashley asks how does one overcome cognitive dissonance and value systems ayahuasca what continue sorry if you value something such as prestige money etc but you know you shouldn’t how do you change that it’s just hard and this is that this is such a good question I don’t know maybe you realize it for those who haven’t asked this question this is one of the most important questions you can ask which is how do I stop valuing the things that make me unhappy because that’s it right if you could orient yourself towards the things that you have statistical experiential data will actually improve the quality of your life and your joining your happiness it’s easy the problem is we still want to be famous and beautiful and well-liked and then have a ton of Instagram followers so how do you how do you do this I have had some success but not complete with this and I’ll show you the things that have that have helped one is to treat it like an addiction in that alcoholics don’t hang out in bars if they’re smart and people who seek validation don’t hang out on Instagram if they’re smart they don’t they don’t go to the places and they don’t hang out in the environments that trigger and what I can say is you know having gotten off of this stuff and validation would count it out count prestige in there which was your question I like prestige yes prestige is about the perception of other people shares you just not really about your accomplishments oh no if you continue to accomplish great things in your career and in your philanthropic efforts but you just don’t brag about them on social media you’re now just doing good stuff you’re no longer trying to chase the prestige so what I’ve seen it and then this is true of addiction as well there’s a massive difference between zero and one like zero drinks in one drink are not the same thing and so five minutes a day of Instagram and zero minutes of the day of Instagram are very very different in terms of how your brain gets wired so I would I would advise you to find the things that trigger these values that you’d like to shift whatever they are whether they’re people whether it’s a place an app a job that you may have and cut it to zero what if it’s friends what if you have a friend group that’s very prestige hungry and it’s constantly asking you how much you make yeah how did you get the promotion or what firm did you work at no you got that firm that’s crazy that’s so good yeah what do you do now cuz they’re your friends so I have well I think you might have an answer no I don’t so what we did I was really lucky one person makes all the difference human beings need social validation to feel like they’re not schizophrenic yes not insane so having been when I started my business while everyone else told me I was crazy and I wasn’t gonna do it and this is a waste of my time I felt not crazy at all no you guys you’re the crazy you don’t get it yes I’m a ton of friends I still do have super high paying procedures jobs in finance on Wall Street and they were all like you’re gonna leave to go to Brazil and but I had I got to go to you I could go these people don’t get it but if I was by myself I think it would it would have been a lot of pressure yes that would have eventually so seek out and find at least one individual and in order to do that you have to speak up so I had to give all these books that I like to all of my friends and saw who took to them and they didn’t all and Ben had to get the four our core set of people then had to give the 4-hour workweek to a bunch of people and they didn’t care luckily we were best friends and we both happened to seize upon on this book that that put us down a different path so that was one if if you can get just one person and man make that make that your home base and there it will grow and you’ll be wearing on your sleeve whatever you do so you’re trying not to care about prestige but you will care about something right maybe it’s helping people and not posting about it yeah you will find a place to volunteer and the people there will be volunteers and some of them will be doing it for the Instagram likes and you’ll avoid those people yeah but you’ll meet other Jenner by doing what you actually want to be doing you’ll meet other people that have those values yeah and then so so that’s that’s the one that has really worked the best when I look at the things in my life that are the most stubborn changes it’s that other things are these massive intervention experiences so I don’t just mean ayahuasca which we talked about but I also mean I’ve gone to personal development program weekend things where they get for 40 hours over the course of the weekend and they beat you down and you break at some point and something something shifts inside of you it doesn’t make all the change but those have been valuable I know that some people say that about landmark I would recommend books actually so for I was prostitute I was yes each hungary’s you get yeah I was a nerdy kid growing up wasn’t good looking or good at sports so I just went okay well what’s gonna get me any sort of pat on the back is great mmm-hmm suddenly I wanted to go to whatever was the best school I could get into it’s all I cared about right I wouldn’t do go to California so bad but I end up going to Philadelphia like that’s a ridiculous decision yeah and then I did not want to go to Investment Banking when I was a sophomore I ended up in investment banking because it’s what all my fraternity brothers were patting each other on the backboards and so what firm did I go to I went to the most prestigious one yeah I was very prestige hungry and I read a book and it completely changed my paradigm sure so I think reading reading alternative paradigms reading up things written by people who don’t have the values that you want to avoid that can actually be some of the most life-changing stuff yes cuz I weirdly enough I was that to a tea until I was 22 you know I mean you couldn’t find someone more prestige hungry I don’t want the money I just wanted the validation and the Pat’s on the back sure and the last thing that I’ll say and this one has worked this works for the ones that aren’t the deepest in you but are like mid-level things that are stuck in you is a video we have called how to stop self-sabotage leave and it has an exercise in there where you go and you do free association to pull out whatever associations you have to prestige or to money and what you’ll realize is some of the roots of these not every time but you can get in there and that that helped me with actually limitations around earning money you know I put the brakes on our business for a long time because I thought that earning more money would make me unhappy because I lived in New York City and I was seeing all of these rich unhappy people and only when I did these exercise that’s in how to stop self-sabotage that I saw that and when oh my gosh this doesn’t line up and I could start to unravel that so that long answer but these are a handful places to start it’s tough though it’s a great question it’s a good question it’s the question I’ve kept my worst one I think most people have so you’re safe in good company just like today so I hope that you enjoyed that short clip if you liked it you want to see the podcast in its entirety the link is in the description now Ben and I have been doing this for roughly 20 episodes and on the podcast we cover everything from psychology philosophy sometimes politics and we touch on current events but mostly to get into the psychology philosophy and politics if you guys are interested in that like I said link in the description we didn’t want to share this on the main channel before it was ready and that’s why we shot 20 episodes but based on the feedback that we’re getting in the comments some of the reviews that we’ve gotten I feel like it is ready to share with you guys which is why I wanted to give you this little sneak peek so if you liked what you saw you want to see more go ahead and check it out I have been having a great time with it and there’s this added bonus that we actually take calls from people who want to talk to us so we’ll answer questions about charisma if you want to chat if you wanted to bait with us you can do so on the podcast and in order to do that just go to the most recent podcast that we find you can find it on the channel whatever it is click the link in the description there’ll be a link there that says that you can call in and we will call you and we’ll have a little chat if you’re interested so I hope they decided to check out the podcast let me know if you want more clips related to charisma on this main channel on the off days or if you don’t and we won’t do it anymore either way I hope you enjoyed this video I look forward to seeing you in the next one

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43 Comments

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  1. Hey Guys!
    I hope you enjoyed this clip from the podcast. I saw in the comments that you guys were wondering the book I was referencing, it's called "The Four Hour Workweek" by Tim Ferris.
    See you on Monday 🙂

  2. OMG, I took on a new job recently and JUST realized that I work with the wrong "type" of people as in they're there for the job for other reasons than I, for them its a easy check,for me,, I actuallly have pride in it.

  3. OMG i'm not quite a model, but I need attentiion. It must be rough looking like this guy…………………………………………….

  4. If you weigh everythings value and importance based on how they might make you unhappy in future you dont value what the positive things gained from the moment. And the reverse is true as well. It really doesn't matter if a cup is full, half full or completely empty (because a cup is refillable as long as you accept that every refill might not be favorable in all respects. But you can empty the cup and fill it again).

  5. I wouldn't mind some prestige if it can be monetized/used for brands sponsorships. That's the only reason I'd want it. Fame that doesn't pay is just extra stress!!!

  6. My friend there are many things I could say about you. But the best thing I could say is thank you.Ever since I found out about your channel I am able to see things more clearly and from a different perspective. If you could find any spare time please create a video about Toxic Relationships. Keep up with all this great work

  7. I am so impressed you are talking about this. I avoided your You tube channel because I thought you'd be about the opposite. I just told a friend for my New Year's goal is I want to start living from my heart and she was like.. "huuuh?" So I told her never mind. I have no New years goals.

  8. I'm amazed at how much value your channel has provided me, and that you can still come up with awesome new content like this. You guys are modern geniuses, — it's not easy to translate intuiton/instinct/experience into something teachable.

  9. Dr Phil has said the only way to eliminate a habit is to replace it with an incompatible habit. Got any good examples, or maybe interest in creating content regarding this idea?

  10. Okay well if we’re talking about what society thinks an alcoholic is, somebody who drinks regularly or just every weekend and doesn’t like to socialize on free time without getting a bit of a buzz on, then that’s me and a lot of people. But that’s different from the alcoholic that has a REAL problem. A person who can’t go a day without drinking. THOSE are the types that “shouldn’t hangout in bars”. For the regular “alcoholics” that I first defined, it’s not really an issue…. just sayin 🙂

  11. I don't have Instagram, I don't need validation, I don't feel lonely when I am alone. Does that make me schizophrenic or does that make me mentally healthy?