How To Turn Social Anxiety Into Confidence


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after watching an interview on Jimmy Fallon where Sophie Turner comes across as very charismatic I started looking into doing a breakdown on her but I was surprised to find that she actually says she struggles in social situations I felt jealous amazing because she is one of the best people with like interacting with people she walks into room and she like lights up a room and I walk into a room and I’ll immediately go to like a corner and ii watch through I realized that hints of her nervousness were actually present in that first Jimmy Fallon interview so in this video I thought it’d be good to learn what it seems Sofie has already learned how to turn anxiety shyness and nervousness into charisma first off when you are nervous vulnerability is your friend not only does it calm you down because you feel like you don’t have to fake anything but it can actually make people around you begin to root for you if it is displayed wisely now you’ve already seen Sofie speak about her discomfort in social situations but she went even further on dr. Phil sharing stories of how criticism from Game of Thrones fans led her into depression did social media cause you to get depressed I think it definitely was bit of a catalyst you see 10 great comments and you ignore them but one negative comment and it just like throws you off to be clear when Sofie opens up like this it isn’t just random your level of vulnerability should change as the situation calls for it and it’s after a question on jealousy that she shared her envy about Maisie sociability it was on dr. Phil when asked about mental health that she opened up about depression so matching your vulnerability to the situation is key for instance before a big interview or a speech a fine response – how are you doing could very well be I’m actually really feeling butterflies right now what might be overkill in that situation is to delve into depression because that is not what has been asked of you now interestingly Sophie’s vulnerability extends beyond her words positive emotions shines through when she’s feeling enthusiastic one big one is you have to have your hair up as they will chew on your hair both her pride and her bashfulness come through when she receives praise someone like you that is an absolute icon to your generation if you thinks the world of you but the way Thanks so and sometimes that baffle nish can even cross over into shyness when she is complimented in a way that feels extreme to her the tight lips and the barely restrained smile are the giveaway in this clip you’re on the biggest show in the world Game of Thrones you’re about to be in the biggest movie Dark Phoenix it appears that sophie has no poker face and it probably makes her a terrible liar but that’s actually something that brings people closer to you her feelings are obvious both in her words and her expressions when people do the opposite never revealing too much we struggle to feel at ease wondering if they’re secretly judging us or disliking us but when you’re talking to Sophie you probably know how she’s feeling which can then make you relax and this is a hallmark of other authentic types that we’ve covered in past videos though they might create this feeling in a variety of ways and just be clear simply being authentically shy isn’t charismatic it’s being shy but still making that effort to engage I’m gonna go deeper into this in a later point but keep that in mind you also need to wear more than just your shyness on your sleeve sophie has bursts of energy that are totally captivating you just got married [Applause] okay that’s in a different scene and also we all have the same cups my boyfriend’s become a white Walker okay he’s ghosting me what’s cool is that this has a different effect on the audience than someone who is always high-energy like a Will Smith for example now don’t get me wrong that is a great habit and it can pull people into your world but when shyness is revealed prior to these enthusiastic bursts it feels exciting for the other person because they feel like they have been a good conversational partner they’ve navigated conversation in a way that made you feel comfortable which then makes them feel special and like you more because of it now the next thing that can help a shy individual is knowing how to handle back and forth conversation where you don’t immediately know what to say of course it’s not that Sofie doesn’t know what to say every time she’s asked a question there’s plenty of times where she just goes right into an answer but I want to focus on strategies that she uses in other occasions because they can be useful to shy people so the first is simply active listening active listening involves any combination of cues that signal to the other person that you are interested and engaged with what they’re saying no need to dive deep here it looks like this I saw you the second is a bit more sophisticated it’s mirroring repeating a pattern of behavior of the person that you’re interacting with you can watch Sofie mirror gestures which makes the person that she’s talking to subconsciously feel like she is like them you also see verbal mirroring with the repetition of the last few words of the other person’s sentence and that has the added benefit of buying you time to think of what to say next if you’re someone who isn’t necessarily very quick when under social pressure to respond the theme was camp the theme was camp yes and so everyone’s very can everyone was very calm yes as strange as it sounds sometimes the thing that most makes people like you is not when you are smart and funny but when you make them feel smart and funny and hearing their own words spoken back to them in an encouraging voice or see themselves in your gestures goes a long way towards making that happen so if you’re shy remember you can have a great interaction without needing to make yourself the center of attention in fact making the other person feel special can be even more effective in making friends now repetition and mirroring don’t need to be exact so to spice things up you can elaborate on the idea that someone has suggested like in this clip when Sophie elaborates on Jimmy’s joke it’s a classic yes and you repeat someone’s joke and then expand upon it it’s a cardboard cutout of Joe Jonas you don’t even come with him and the last thing that you could do if you are shy which is a culmination of many of the previous points is to make fun of your own shyness own it now we saw Sophie do it before but a lot of her stories are about how strange she acts when she’s under social pressure came over we should do this but like I turn around I was like hi Sophie will also use fake grandiosity to the same effect she’s poking fun at herself for not being as cool as she’s pretending now definitely do the grandiosity as an overplayed character put on the voice used extreme facial expressions or else it may be mistaken for genuine grandiosity and that’s something that we discussed in the video on brie Larson if you’re curious how it can go sideways but I’ve always loved Justin Bieber and then I met him once Wow the idea behind both of these jokes is that you own your awkwardness or your shyness and you make something silly of it for everyone to laugh at now I do want to leave a word of caution with these self-deprecating jokes whether or not it’s going to bring you closer to someone or just make them feel awkward comes down to how at peace you are with the aspect of yourself that you are teasing when you feel comfortable with your shyness for instance or your awkwardness when you’ve accepted it and we’re at least any shame around it the self deprecation tends to be laughed at and improves your social standing people know this because you’re not looking to them for a validating response but when you feel insecure about something you’re looking for people to reassure you that it’s not the case that you truly are the thing that you’re teasing or you’re simply racing to beat them too noticing the thing that you don’t like in yourself and it can come off as alienating to that person now if we could use a bit more help with anxiety I found that something called cognitive behavioral therapy can work wonders for diminishing it it has some very actionable and practical tools that you can use in the moments that you feel yourself becoming anxious feeling good by David Burns is an excellent resource to begin with CBT and you can get that for free today courtesy of our sponsor for this video audible when you sign up for a month-long trial of audible at audible.com slash charisma or text charisma – 500 500 you get one free audiobook and in this case I’d recommend feeling good if the topic of anxiety is one that you’ve struggled with in the past it certainly helped me you’ll also get to audible originals which are titles that are just exclusive to audible and every month after that you get an audiobook for just 15 bucks a month now the best thing about audible generally is that you can feed your brain whether you’re exercising or commuting so that you’ll wind up learning way more than you would without it and I think that the habit of exposing yourself to great and novel ideas is probably the number one thing that can improve someone’s life audible makes all that much easier to do if you’re someone with a busy schedule so if you’re interested in working on anxiety check out feeling good at audible.com slash charisma make that your first audiobook you can also text prizm to 500 500 either way I hope that you guys have enjoyed this video I look forward to seeing you in the next [Music]

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33 Comments

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  1. People say that others aren’t thinking of you, but in all actuality I’ve found out from the mouth of others that they really are judging, and while not all people are there are a lot of people who do judge you

  2. The problem is that a man being vulnerable is a turnoff to women. As much as they like to say it’s not, it is, they don’t react well to a man who is sharing a vulnerability.

  3. Situational cbt is called dbt (dialectic behavioral therapy). Cbt is only for anxiety and depression. DBT is directly contributing in nature to dialogs.

  4. Shy? You have no idea what you are talking about. You can see her blush and unsure of herself. She is probably sweating and has a heart rate of 160. Shy is not social anxiety.

  5. But how do you do this as a man? Sophie's a woman, so she can show more vulnerability without being looked down on. We don't get that luxury as men, especially when it's towards a woman we're attracted to (depending how attractive we are as men, but still).

  6. you know, i watched this years ago wanting to learn something, forgot about it, it's been sitting in my self-help playlist ever since, come back here just now only to realise i have unconsciously practice your points, somewhat.
    i make a point of saying "i'm a bit nervous :>" every time i have to do a presentation now, and that really helps me feeling less nervous

  7. As someone who is introverted and sometimes shy/anxious, it’s nice to see you show a variety of personality traits and how to work with them. There’s no “one way” to have charisma